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Hardcore Lulzists: Part 5



Tires squeeled and screeched as a white pick-up truck pulled up to the police line surrounding Strip Squad. The roaring fire by now was put out, and left were only the soggy remains of the gentlemen's club.

The driver's door opened, and out stepped a thin, scruffy-haired man. He wore a loose-fitting brown overcoat down to his knees. A close inspection would reveal many patches of coffee-stains - battle scars of the press-room. As he violently opened and closed the driver's door, a coffee mug shattered on the asphalt below. It was barely noticed, as this reporter was transfixed on his notepad.

He muttered to himself. "This is the big one. This is the biggest story from this town in years. This one's going to put me on the map." His hands slightly shook as he scrawled down anything he could think of.

"Burning Building."

"A sea of police and fire trucks."

"Burn Victims."


"This is going to be great! Great! Great!" He kept scrawling notes, but his hand stopped at the sight of a tall, uniformed officer with blond hair and blue eyes. In a sea of chaos and charcoal, this officer was managing an organized search, directing his subordinates through burnt, wooden remains. The reporter's instincts quickly took over.

"Officer! Officer!" He approached the building as close as he could, and waved his hand through some caution tape. "Officer!"

Lt. Starfox looked out of the corner of his eye, seeing a frantic hand waving back and forth. He sighed, and slowly walked towards him.

"Excuse me sir, we're in the middle of an important investigation." Began Starfox, "I'd like to ask you to step bac-"

"This is GeniusInc from the Apathy Report. Can you answer some questions for the paper? What happened here? What is being investigated? How did the New Polar Order screw up this time?"

Starfox was unfazed, and replied back in a firm voice. "Please step back. We will have a press-conference in a couple of hours."

Genius barked back across the line. "Are you admitting fault for the fire? Is the New Polar Order adopting a policy of burning down civilian homes? Is the -"

Starfox let out a deep sigh. He closed his eyes and prepared to repeat his words, but was interrupted by an excited voice over his shoulder.

"Lieutenant! Lieutenant!" An officer ran out from the burnt-out building. "I think we found something! There's something below... boxes! Yeah, lots of boxes!"

Genius watched the Lieutenant's eyes quickly widen. The once calm and collected Lieutenant was startled and stiffly began moving to the building. His steps paced faster and faster as he broke into a full sprint. While running, he called out behind him.

"Great work! Now get that press-guy out of here!" The last of these words grew fainter as Starfox disappeared into the wreckage.

Genius began at once, "What did you find?!"

He was immediately grabbed by the arm.

"Do you want to leave here by yourself or in a stretcher?" The officer growled.

"What did you find?! Are you threatening the press?!" Genius quickly pulled his arm back into his possession. "Is this what Polar has come to!? You will hear from my lawyer!"

Both men glared at each other before Genius turned back from the police line. The upper right arm of his coat had a black, charcoal-ed handprint. Genius stormed back to his white pick-up truck. The door slammed open and shut. He buried his forehead on the wheel in thought.

"Something isn't right here." He mumbled to himself. "That Lieutenant wasn't acting normal."


"This is Sheriff Dajobo speaking. Come in. Lieutenant, Come in."

"This is Lieutenant Starfox reporting in. The fire is out. Some of the officers are burned, but there are no casualties. We haven't been able to find Sergeant Tywin though."

"Tywin will be fine. Anyway those !@#$%^&* got away. They pulled away from us on the highway. How are things over there?"

"The hell? What do you mean fine? One doesn't go missing in a fire and come out fine."

"Look, just don't worry about it... uh... him. Anyway, did you find anything?"

"Yessir! Boxes and boxes. They were running quite the operation here. There's enough tech here to buy a top-tier wonder."

"Attaboy Lieutenant! Now get some rest, I'll call over some transport from HQ. Just sit tight and they'll be over to pick it up in 15 minutes."

"Don't worry, I'll load it up and drive it to HQ."

"Nahhhh. You did well, don't push yourself. Get some rest and let someone else do the work."

"I'm fine Sheriff. Let me take care of it."

"Get some rest Starfox. It's an order."


"Starfox, hello? Starfox?"

"I can't let you do that Sheriff."

"Wait what?"

"I apologize my dear, but I'll be transporting that tech.."

"Starfox, is everything ok? Why are you talking in a British accent? Just go home and get some -"

"Sorry chap. God save the queen."

[Radio Silence]


"GODDAMNIT!" Dajabo screamed in his squad-car.

His thick hands gripped the wheel tighter and tighter. He let go with his right arm and slammed his arm rest, before fumbling for his radio receiver once more.

"Come in HQ. This is Sheriff Dajobo."

"Call received. Whats wrong Sheriff?"

"There's no time. Enact imperial order 47. Immediately."

"But sir! You can't do that! They aren't ready! It's dangerous! There was only one prototype and it was barely stable - "

"I don't care. Get the Tywin-bots ready. We have to hunt ourselves a rat."


Witnesses would remember a peculiar site from that night on Main street . A giant black van raced down the road. The windows were shut, but inside could be heard a blaring anthem:

God save our gracious Queen

Long live our noble Queen

God save the Queen

Send her victorious

Happy and glorious

Long to reign over us

God save the Queen

Following it was a white pick-up truck.


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