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The treaty that will never, ever, exist

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Sardonic

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Author's note: this is entirely a parody and is not something we would ever implement, even if we were in a position to so. It is designed to be a thought experiment as to how "evil" one can make terms.

Preamble

The undersigned alliances, having engaged each other in combat, one of them having fought valiantly against the another, agree to end their respective hostilities according to the terms now set forth.

Article 1: Overview

A. Goon Order of Oppression, Negligence, and Sadism (GOONS), Mushroom Kingdom, and Umbrella (collectively "Doomhouse");

The International, Orange Defense Network, Athens, League of Shadows Treaty, and Greenland Republic (collectively "Complaints and Grievances Union"); Viridian Entente, FOK, Federation of Armed Nations, Open Source Alliance, The Order of the Paradox, Alchemy, and Nordreich

are victorious over the "alliances" of:

New Pacific Order (NPO), The Phoenix Federation, 64Digits, SNAFU, Regnum Invictorum, Sanitarium, The Legion, Kerberos Nexus, Cult of Justitia, Molon Labe, The Sasori Initiative, and North Atlantic Defense Coalition.

B. NPO admits total and complete defeat. NPO nations who spend the entirety of the conflict Peace Mode shall become slaves to the victorious alliances, as outlined below.

C. The remaining alliances surrender. These alliances receive immediate peace, provided conditions are met.

D. The defeated alliances will have a portion of their memberships enslaved, in addition to reparations, according to the terms of Article 2.

E. Specific obligations to be fulfilled by Schattenmann of Schloss Eggenberg are detailed in Article 3.

E. NPO agrees to cede control of all alliance functions to Doomhouse, NPO will be a vassal state of the victorious alliances of Doomhouse, If DH requires it, NPO must follow them into combat. If NPO is attacked, DH may decide to intervene, if it suits them. See Article 4.

Article 2: Enslavement and Reparations

A. The defeated alliances shall forfeit 30% of their respective memberships. These members shall join the AA "Doomhouse Slave Camp". These members will exist only to serve Doomhouse interests, for a period of no less than 6 months. It is expected that all members of the AA will have all outgoing slots full for the duration of their stay, of either tech or money tributed to Doomhouse members. Failure to have all outgoing slots full will warrant a "whipping", wherein a slave management associate will conduct an update blitz and then peace out, to provide motivation for compliance. All members of the slave AA are expected to fight for Doomhouse during the duration of their stay in the camp.

B. 600,000 technology is to be paid to Umbrella by the defeated alliances, 300,000 technology and 3 billion cash reparations will be paid to MK, GOONS will receive 10 billion cash. All terms must be completed by two years from this agreement.

C. The governments of the defeated alliances will be required to attend a virtual seminar on the proper use of peace mode as a tactic.

Article 3: Schattenmann

A. Schattenmann of Schloss Eggenberg agrees to shut the hell up about GOONS and VE for the next two years. Any violation of this term will result in an immediate attack.

B. Schattenmann of Schloss Eggenberg agrees to issue a formal apology to ODN for his spying, and a formal apology to VE and GOONS for his terrible posting.

C. Schattenmann is only allowed to post in Shakespearean prose for the duration of this agreement.

Article 4: NPO-DoomHouse vassal agreement

A. MK, GOONS, and Umbrella agree to take on NPO as a vassal.

B. NPO will fight for the above alliances when asked, and the above alliances will provide NPO with useful advice.

C. There is no period of expiration on this treaty. It may only be canceled by the mutual consent of all parties. Should any alliance named above dissolve or merge with another alliance, the remaining alliances are still under the obligations of this treaty.

Article 5: Unaddressed Violations of Terms

If an undersigned alliance violates any provision of this Agreement for which a penalty or penalties have not been defined, the undersigned alliances directly involved in the violation shall carefully determine an "appropriate" remedy.

Article 6: Completion of Terms

A. Unless otherwise specified, all provisions of this Agreement are effective immediately upon execution of the Agreement.

B. This Agreement shall be deemed satisfied by all undersigned alliances upon completion of all of above specified conditions.

C. The undersigned alliances shall make, at an appropriate time, a joint public announcement that the terms have been completed. The announcement shall include sufficient evidence to show that each of the conditions enumerated has been completed.

Article 7: Signatures

The undersigned alliances hereby commit themselves to these presents by the signatures of their duly designated emissaries, to wit:

For Mushroom Kingdom:

For the Goon Order of Oppression Negligence and Sadism:

For Umbrella:

For the New Pacific Order:

For XX

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This is amusing. Mainly due to the reasons why we're still fighting this war that should have entered its final phase oh...2 weeks or so ago. Or was it 3? Whatever. Happy 3 month war anniversary.

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To be 100% honest with you, I don't really see what is so evil about this. Only the enslavement is something that hasn't been done before, and even that seems unusually reasonable with merely a single blitz for violators.

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"The defeated alliances shall forfeit 30% of their respective memberships. These members shall join the AA "Doomhouse Slave Camp". These members will exist only to serve Doomhouse interests, for a period of no less than 6 months."

I told you I needed at least 38% for my plans to succeed. Why do you continue to undermine me?

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Good luck getting people to accept this, it would be more fun to fight to the death than accept this.

Read the opening line. It's a joke.

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Good luck getting people to accept this, it would be more fun to fight to the death than accept this.

It's almost like you and others just can't read well.

this is entirely a parody and is not something we would ever implement

But hearing the whinging, gnashing of teeth and the sobs is quite humorous.

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To be 100% honest with you, I don't really see what is so evil about this. Only the enslavement is something that hasn't been done before, and even that seems unusually reasonable with merely a single blitz for violators.

NPO supports enslavement eh?

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Good luck getting people to accept this, it would be more fun to fight to the death than accept this.
Read the opening line. It's a joke.

CN is serious business. Why else would players invest hundreds or even thousands of hours of their life into a silly text-based web game?

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To be 100% honest with you, I don't really see what is so evil about this. Only the enslavement is something that hasn't been done before, and even that seems unusually reasonable with merely a single blitz for violators.

Actually the enslavement thing was done in the past just not explicitly called such. Legion was paying an undetermined amount for an unspecified duration to NPO at one point.

Its harder to come up with original terms than you'd think, we've had years to get inventive, its covered a lot of ground.

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Good luck getting people to accept this, it would be more fun to fight to the death than accept this.
Read the opening line. It's a joke.
CN is serious business. Why else would players invest hundreds or even thousands of hours of their life into a silly text-based web game?

I responded to it since the purpose of this thought experiment was to gauge reactions to it. And my reaction would be exactly what I said if something this bad was put forward as a serious peace terms.

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Future wars should have a slavery term. Better than reps or no rebuilding agreements. I see that Rebel Virginia was the unfortunate first official Doomhouse slave. I propose in the future that all mid-war AA jumpers get forced into slavery.

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Hahaha, this was a nice read.

But if we're talking about feudal agreement, shouldn't the lord offer protection to his vassals? I mean that it wouldn't be on optional bases?

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