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Deciphering reality

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The starchy emeralds.

Well, my daughter’s class had a field trip to a farm the other day. Riveting. The parents were invited and the whole lot of us boarded tractor-pulled wagons that meandered down a dirty uneven road to a sparse field. I could not help but feel some solidarity with grainy film showing the artificial smiles on Ukrainian peasants forced to till the field until a lone potato was extracted, the byproduct of forced collectivization in the former worker’s paradise known as the Soviet Union. We then asse

Barron von Hammer

Barron von Hammer

Man of iron.

There comes a time in every man’s life when you are required to bravely stand and man the hell up. A time when you need to stand resolutely and stare into the yawning abyss of fear itself and silently proclaim “is that all you got?” And after asking this question, when darkness descends and the urge to surrender to spasmodic, urine-inducing fear is greatest, you must declare to the universe “Damn the heliocentric model of the solar system, the galaxies do in fact revolve around my gargantuan tit

Barron von Hammer

Barron von Hammer

My confession.

I have found it necessary to purge myself of the internal turmoil caused by not confessing some of the dark deeds in my life. Confession number #1: Many years ago I had a neighbor who was an ok guy at times but had turned into quite the dick the last couple of months we lived next to each other. I had my house up for sale when he came over with a puppy he had just bought the week previously and asked if I would take care of it for the six weeks he would be gone on some promotional tour he was

Barron von Hammer

Barron von Hammer

The wager.

Cryptozoology is a guilty pleasure of mine. Grainy images, videos of anomalous objects, "In Search Of" episodes and an early adolescent inability to distinguish one of my great aunts from an enlarged bi-pedal hominid (leading to multiple sightings), has finally culminated in a great revelation. One of the great mysteries in my life is about to end. This summer the existence of the infamous creature known as Bigfoot will be proven. Of this I am sure. My close friends and I discuss this subject wi

Barron von Hammer

Barron von Hammer

The insanity within.

Anya and I, with our two children, live outside a large city in the Southeastern U.S. Like many, we moved from the midtown area when crime was rising and moved to a small town outside the city, about 30 minutes away. This small town is at the crossroads between a large city and a rural countryside that extends for hundreds of miles. Unfortunately we have to move again for occupational reasons (getting transferred); our eventual resting place will be 1500 miles away. Therefore we had to necessita

Barron von Hammer

Barron von Hammer

Unwavering steadfastness...

I have recently had interesting conversations with my peers who have considered going back to college after a long hiatus (we are in our forties), either to finish what they started or to advance to graduate school. It was at this point that I remembered my first experience in going back to finish my degree (and later to grad school). I would like to point out that idiocy is a preserved trait, one that I carry within my genetic code with unwavering steadfastness. Walk with me dear friend and ex

Barron von Hammer

Barron von Hammer

Bending time...

My neighbor moved away the other day. I was saddened by this, but not for reasons one might associate with such a departure. My neighbor is but a simple man, an ex-marine whose outlook on life is shrouded within the tight confines of Lynryd Sknyrd songs, soft-porn skin flicks and a prodigious quantity of beer consumed by him and his comrades as they stand in waist-high water in his out-door, above ground pool. Humming softly the long forgotten anthems of self described southern troubadours, I

Barron von Hammer

Barron von Hammer

Life with Anya II

My wife and I woke up Saturday morning determined to make the most of a beautiful day. As we were leaving the house she thrust her hands forward. "Take these," she says handing me some tampons. You know, "just in case." "Why can't you carry them?" "Well I don't have any pockets." Of course we went to the zoo that afternoon and I forgot about them. But not for long though. While attempting to buy a snow cone (after waiting in an insufferably populous line) I pulled my wallet out of my poc

Barron von Hammer

Barron von Hammer

Sharing the same brain...

We were getting up to leave, my comrades and I, from one of the few restaurants that stayed open at a diabolical hour late that Friday evening, when I heard my name being called with great enthusiasm. Looking up, I noticed several individuals making their way with great excitement to where I was seated. It was then that I recognized two of them, the apparent ringleaders of an approaching bevy of beauties that seemed to be in possession of some illustrious secret, as evident by their exclamation

When worlds collide.

I have the unfortunate predicament of having to take a shower after my wife Anya has vacated the bathroom. You see, she leaves an hour before I do so when I enter the bathroom to do my morning constitution I am entering HER bathroom, the way she likes it. I am entirely too groggy to even represent a sentient being as I stumble into the shower, completely forgetting (once again) that she recently procured a high velocity shower head that at one time during its product development stage must have
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