You sign into IRC and join your alliances' private channel. You see the few regulars left idling, you try to engage them in conversation, but they offer no reply.
The channel is dead.
You join the public channel, searching for signs of life. You see the same regulars, with a few foreign dignitaries who hadn't gotten around to removing the channel from their autojoin script. You try to engage people here, too, but the only response is a few people leaving the channel, reminded of its existen
Author's note: this is entirely a parody and is not something we would ever implement, even if we were in a position to so. It is designed to be a thought experiment as to how "evil" one can make terms.
The undersigned alliances, having engaged each other in combat, one of them having fought valiantly against the another, agree to end their respective hostilities according to the terms now set forth.
Article 1: Overview
A. Goon Order of Oppression, Negligence, and Sadism (GOONS), M
One of the largest misconceptions about GOONS is the function and nature of the mercy board. I would like to take the time to dispel any myths and misconceptions about the mercy board. I have created two flowcharts to help illustrate my points.
Consider this chart as you read on:
Myth: All tech raided nations must go through the mercy board to secure peace.
Reality: The mercy board is one of many options a raid target has, it is a path rarely taken. There are two options for those in AAs
Some interesting statistics
Recently some statistics were pulled that made me extremely proud of our military. At any given moment we are practically at war with the unaligned half of the game. If you search for our wars you'll quickly see that we are doing our fair share of raiding.
Goons to War: 1 : 1.13
For every goon, a war, and then some.
Current wars: 2244
Current GOONS Wars: 367
% of wars that are GOONS: 16.35%
GOONS accounts for 16.35% of all wars going on right now. Hopef
A Ripe Harvest
Throughout this war we have discovered both our own combat abilities, and the difference between our resolve and that of our enemies. This war has been fun in its own right, but the following quotes are the icing on the cake. But enough about that, it's time for some Pubbie Tears®!
Names have been removed to protect the pathetic.
Subject: RE: Surrender terms
Message: I will accept all conditions accept becoming POW. I cannot honorably do so. I will agree to all other co
It's that time again.
Subject: why? give me 1 reason for this.
My response: Comedy.
Message: I hate to say that your going to hell one day but this is just cruel. You can lauph at that all you want but you obviously are a worthless peice of trash. Have fun getting <removed> from hitler when you die. You show poor character and you know its true,just look at your life. You obviously cant get or are too lazy to get a job and if your not gay(i highly suspect it) there
But... But my nation...
To: <removed> From: <removed> Date: 2/15/2010 2:25:32 AM
Subject: RE: <removed> información
Message: I have the honor to salute you.
I accept your temrs, and I will apply for them. Please stop your attacks,before my nation will dissapear.You are at one step to destroy me completly.
Please give the necessary time,to restore the government ( now is anarchy ),and to be able to apply furthermore to your peace conditions.
Thank you for your und
Once upon a time a Goon tech raided another nation. The other nation was informed to take up the issue on the 'mercy board', for the raid to stop.
This was the start of something beautiful.
The high war adjudicator, Beefspari, presented these two options:
Write a persuasive essay comparing squares to triangles, and explain which one is better. The essay must be at least 200 words and in persuasive format. Meaning, explain subjective reasoning why one is better in an attempt to ha
[19:41] <%Rebel_Virginia> So, I hear you're wanting to kill GOONS.
[19:41] <%Rebel_Virginia> I am quite intrigued.
RV, the anti-GOON. Patron saint of all we hold to be our enemy. Self-Proclaimed emperor of FAIL. He is a terrifying sight to behold in a channel such as this, truly he speaks the gospel.
Ah yes, the act of forced disbandment, the most immortal sin one can commit (unless it's against goons of course).
Please guys, let's go destroy an innocent alliance we don't li
Gotta love being forced to do something by multiple untrustworthy allies. (please cut these losers NV, tia)
Here's a fun game to play, count how many alliances in this list would not possibly join this coalition.
NSO makes a cameo appearance
Now I could see dislike, but fear? I think \m/ has much more to fear from NpO than us.
Oh, they fear a GOONS hegemony, or something, I guess.
Ah yes, now the real fun begins.
GOONS kill #2: electric boogaloo
We're almost there folks!
Oh don't be so silly kingzog, you know it's not in our best interests to attack now.
Now for some logs from earlier:
Oh olaf-chan, you really shouldn't be in here. It is regrettable to see our black brothers plotting our demise.
I'm surprised they even realize we can claim the moral high ground.
Good work NPO, your reputation is such that it keeps you out of coalitions of idiots!
We are literally killing bob.
It's you Schattenmann, you are the worst.
The Worst Coalition Ever is built on a sturdy foundation of trust honor, and...
[21:06] <@TCK> Schatt we will need a forum and a milcom area. W need to start running stats etc
[21:06] <@Peggy_Sue|UPN> and Invicta
[21:06] <@Peggy_Sue|UPN> we have three other allies that don't know yet
[21:06] <@Supa_Troop3r[DT]> Poyples. most likely will us.
[21:06] <@Peggy_Sue|UPN> inactive problems
Peggy Sue knows all about inactive problems
GOONS has the rare distinction of being one of the most misunderstood alliances on bob. Some see us as:
An object of sexual desire
A peasant to be hexed by a vengeful witch.
A call to rally barbarians.
But having said all that, we are none. We are a simple justice loving people who believe in punitive reps and the rule of law. We are a work of modern art, people may see many different things in us, but it is the painters and their friends who know us
We've seen some silly things so far, but guess what folks, the show has only just begun! Some of the things you are about to see will astound and amaze you.
20:51] <@Daggarz[Nemesis]> Progress gentleman!
[20:51] <@Daggarz[Nemesis]> its delicious!
[20:51] <@Co_God_Ben[loss]> the stars are aligning
The ancient roman astrologers foretold of the day when GOONS would fall.
But what's this? A new member has joined the party!
A brave knight of Invicta, trained in the kingdom
Annnd we're moving, hold on tight, because we're going to be traversing the dread swamps of stupidity! Watch out, you don't want to sink into it!
Here you can see that all of these government members are very GOD-fearing. I am glad, more people need to have the fear of GOD in them.
Just to highlight who is in the coalition channel now.
Ah yes, the old "demand unreasonable reparations" play, yes, that will certainly go over well. UPN being the key of course.
Schattenman, with the pass
[22:31] <%Rebel_Virginia> Let's win it.
[22:32] <%bzelger[sTA]> I don't like leaving the Ninjas or FnKA out there longer than necessary if we're going in soon
[22:32] <%TehChron> Mhm
[22:32] <%TehChron> but they picked that fight for a reason
[22:32] <%TehChron> so lets not let that reason go to waste
No, actually they picked the fight for no reason, quite literally in fact.
[22:32] <@bud> if its done to win i can sell it. To do it just to die and let th
Welcome back! As we saw in the last installment, the mischievous plotting was just getting underway, devilishly clever plans to set up dummy alliances for GOONS to raid were being hatched and a good time was being had by all.
[20:25] <~Schattenmann> You know what's so funny? UjW started in part when GOONS raided a member of GGA and refused to stop, then GGA defended the member and GOONS declared on the defenders
So to speak, anyway. Schattenman invokes the UjW, forgetting a few details
I'm genuinely curious what the number they came up with for our side was, probably dramatically understated.
The fact that said members were nuclear rogues?
Yes how dare those GOONS trick their nation into paying 1m requested by the raided to the raider unknown to both alliances' govs.
Well, there's something we can agree on.
What a shame, I would have wanted to see an entire side's FA effort be nothing but trolling.
Daggarz, abandoning all diplomatic pretenses again, proudly declares
The unquestioningly "real" nuclear rogues you accepted, you mean?
And people call us the warmongers.
What do you mean =LOST= has a treaty with GOONS? Oh wait, that never even came up. (worst coalition ever)
Here we see more "planning" grasping at every diplomatic avenue available.
Penguin and Peggy_Sue? I'd ship it. (No I wouldn't)
WE LOVE YOU TOO.
I don't know tyga, but I'm guessing he would not be ~down with this no-cb coalition~.
If you attacked, it would make for some interest chapters in our historical archives, I'll admit.
We truly own the mindshare for the word "goons".
Not entirely sure what he ment by this, unless by "moving their treaties" he means "into the shredder".
I wonder if UPN would even have 30 members after a few months of war, if you truly "would not surrender".
Everybody forgets about the whole "they are nuc
Aiding nuclear rogues is awesome guys! This would be the best CB ever!
It is just newbs, the guy who mistakenly raided and sent the 1m was literally 6 days old, if I recall. Regardless, we have made great strides, and will continue to do so, regardless of whatever moronic coalition is fighting us over it, we don't like raid incidents any more than you people do.
You didn't hear right, tbh. But I'm flattered you think we're capable of it.
Ah yes, the wonderful lie that draws so
I bet you thought I was done, didn't you? Well, there's more, and even after I'm done with the coalition channel logs, I will be adding a special bonus edition where I highlight the the silliness of a very special leader of a very special alliance.
It's pretty funny how PB has somehow become a bloc led by us. We're one of the smaller elements in it, and it's not a MADP bloc that can be moved by a single alliance.
Daggarz is my favorite, he fundamentally thinks we cannot be in the right. I
Ah, and at last we reach the lowest point.
Schattenmann, despairing at last, ever so chipper in his interactions on the OWF, loses hope.
Blame and drama abounds, as the ridiculous idea of a trap micro is tossed around some more.
Disappointment, resentment, agony, these are the emotions felt by the lonely warriors, unable to find the sword with which to slay the mighty dragon.
Schattenmann, apparently tricked by UPN's dogged pursuit of falsehoods, reaches his lowest point.
That last sen
This fire's out of control, it's gonna burn this city, burn this city.
Love the sparta-bashing behind their back, and the assumption that we make enemies faster than we make friends.
I wonder what MHA would really think about all this.
And so a new devilish plot is devised, one to trick us and trap us.
[20:20] <@HeroofTime55> 5 red nations, about 8-10k NS, no nukes
Aw isn't that cute Schattenmann, HoT thinks you're politically important enough to demand 90m.
I'm really looking f