... An Interesting Tradition...

[zzzptm]

[img]http://www.aohell.com/cn/sacrifices.jpg[/img]

"Are they serious? In this day and age?"

"Serious as a stroke. Look, we gotta send them, or they're going to do something crazy."

***********

The 300 captives arrived in the capital of Himynamistan, Zzzptmacan, a monument city built up around the megalomania of the man who styled himself to be Nueva Vida's Lord of History. As the debarked from the plane, old housewives stood to greet them. They tore the captives' clothes and struck them with brooms, mocking them every step of the way.

After that gauntlet, the captives from Sardovia trooped into a great hall. There, a tall priest greeted them and bade them sit to a fine meal. The shimmering robes and the quetzal feathers in his headdress moved in hypnotic patterns as he spoke.

"Men of Sardovia! You are soldiers of a mighty nation that has submitted to the will of Nueva Vida and begs our forgiveness. You are to be the atoning sacrifices to cleanse the way between the alliances that almost warred. The women have humbled you, but now you may choose to be exalted from your state."

The GOONS soldiers looked uneasily at each other.

"You may fight to win your freedom, that you might be sacrificed as free men rather than mere captives. Tlaloc, the god of rains, prefers captives of a higher state, and he will smile upon your choices."

One GOONSman dared to ask, "Why should we please you in that way? Why should we care?"

The priest acknowledged him and raised his hands to silence the murmuring captives. "Free men live one year in paradise before they meet Tlaloc. They eat as they please and know the company of fair maidens that shall be their brides when they too join with Tlaloc in holy sacrifice."

"And captives?"

"They go to jail and get dragged mercilessly to the top of the pyramid, where we carve out their hearts. We then collect the tears they weep upon seeing their hearts, which are sacred to Tlaloc. We then let the Xipe Totec priests attach them to life-support devices as they, well, what they do isn't pretty at all, and they prefer live subjects to dead ones."

The GOONSmen were rather appalled when they saw the slideshow of the Xipe Totec rituals. Even for GOONS, it was a bit much. The brave spokesGOON then asked, "And how is being sacrificed a free man different?"

"No dragging, you get drugs before the sacrifice so you feel nothing but a slight buzz when we cut out your heart, and no nastiness afterward. And there's the paradise for a year prior to that."

"Any other choices that don't involve being sacrificed?"

The priest shrugged. "Not really. You make your choice now and if you take too long or welsh on it, you get the path of the captive."

"OK, then, how do we earn our status as free sacrifices?"

**************

The ritual combats of the next 30 days were some of the finest ever seen in Zzzptmacan, almost as grand as those involving the prisoners from Llonach. The people crowded the stadiums and paid the government well to watch it all on pay-per-view. Advertising revenues from the Sardovia Fights were incredible, enough to pay for half the education budget of Himynamistan. DVD sales funded the other half. The reality show then kicked into gear as it followed the lives of the free sacrifices over their year of paradise...

... and the ratings for the series finale? Well, you could say they were a real [i]killer.[/i]

Tlaloc himself was greatly pleased: the rains in Nueva Vida were strong and fruitful for that year, thanks to the sacrifices of the 300 GOONS.

[commander thrawn]

I like it.

[PrinceArutha]

mmmmm, the bloodlust of the Gods has subsided.... for now.

[commander thrawn]

The Aesir Hunger.

[Umar ibn Abd al-Aziz]

Heh, I don't normally go in for this sorta stuff, but that's p. cool

[ktarthan]

I thank the brave men of Sardovia for their brave sacrifice.

Also for making some reality TV worth watching.

[Sigrun Vapneir]

Hoka hey!

Heja Nueva Vida!

[nippy]

I was considering buying a vacation home in Sardovia....well, screw that idea.

[Stilcho]

I told them, I TOLD them!


"Ask about the hearts thing"

after the talks

"Did the hearts thing come up at all"


"Noooooooo, nothing about hearts, Stil, you available for a ... raid later, out by the docks?"

[zzzptm]

Best part is the animal rights people don't get after us when we execute humans on television.

The [i]human[/i] rights people, on the other hand, are a real pain during ratings sweeps...

[Centurius]

[quote name='zzzptm' date='21 May 2010 - 02:31 PM' timestamp='1274445085' post='2306807']
Best part is the animal rights people don't get after us when we execute humans on television.

[b]The [i]human[/i] rights people, on the other hand, are a real pain during ratings sweeps...[/b]
[/quote]

Didn't we sacrifice those last year?

[zzzptm]

[quote name='Centurius' date='21 May 2010 - 07:46 AM' timestamp='1274445969' post='2306822']
Didn't we sacrifice those last year?
[/quote]

Didn't get all of them, apparently. Or all of their disgruntled relatives, for that matter.

[Bob Ilyani]

You didn't sacrifice enough of them. I demand more.

[Ungern]

I offer my congratulations to everyone involved in handling this mistaken raid incident. Its good to see we still have the common sense to handle situations through diplomacy; there is no need for bloodshed

[Ashoka the Great]

I don't normally watch much television, but when I heard my children shout "Thank God! [i]Finally[/i] something worth watching on the satellite!" I had to give it a look. And I couldn't help but agree with them.

I understand that the series DVD is also due out shortly, and that it is filled with hilarious outtakes. One of my aides gave me a bootleg copy containing some deleted scenes. I watched it for a while, but the quality was terrible. One scene, however, had me laughing for some time. I don't want to give too much away, but when one guy said "Is that your liver?" and the other guy responded with "No, I thought it was yours!" I could not stop giggling. Funny stuff.

The missus passed out for some reason. That was funny, too.

Oh, and I had my aide shot for copyright infringement.

[zzzptm]

We salute our allies in Nordreich for their close attention to enforcing international intellectual property laws.

And, yes, the DVD set is going to be full of bonus features, including a commentary track from the High Priest of Tlaloc.

[Lucelle]

The sacrifices should appease the gods of CN : )

[The Corrupt Teacher]

Definitely an upgrade over Land of the Corrupt Shore Finally something that was worth watching.

[zzzptm]

Looks like our sacrifices worked too well... the water heater in our Department of Agriculture sprung a leak, Tlaloc be praised. That's a LOT of water.

[Ashoka the Great]

Like the Egyptian Gods of old, who flooded the Nile Delta to provide nourishment for their people's crops, all praise Tlaloc for providing a similar bounty for your [s]basement[/s] farmer's fields.

[zzzptm]

Once we get the pumps in there and working, yes, praise away.

We're getting Sal Rivera to paint a mural of the events. Should be pretty cool. It'll be up in Lorenzo Zavala Elementary School by the end of next year.

Never can start too soon teaching about the benefits of sacrificing warriors to the gods.

[Cotillion]

I'm going to have to buy the DVD, because this is prety great.

[zzzptm]

We're actually looking into merchandising options beyond just DVD releases. We've got some action figures with pop-out heart action that look pretty sweet.

[Jrenster]

I think it's important to note that said GOONS sacrifices were offered to NSO.

[zzzptm]

[quote name='Jrenster' date='31 May 2010 - 11:55 AM' timestamp='1275324888' post='2317879']
I think it's important to note that said GOONS sacrifices were offered to NSO.
[/quote]

Say what? They were offered to my nation, I have the pic in my sig to prove it!

Unless you were mistaken in your utterance, Himynamistan shall have to engage in a Flower War with a corresponding nation in NSO to maintain our honor in this matter.