A travesty has occurred

[Duderonomy]

All I see in there is a map to your place Duderonomy, useless!

A map! Let me get a mirror for a second so I can check back there. Hmmmm. "For a good time follow the dotted line"? Caustic! What have you been doing while I was sleeping!?!

[kingzog]

Ah, that's where I left my car keys!

[The Zigur]

Sad day whenever history is lost, but it often lives on in hearts and minds.

[Dochartaigh]

o/ NDO

[Fox Fire]

I don't get it.

 

Well, see, when you go to the bathroom sometimes you get remnants of the activity clinging to you. Now, normally you'd have a nice fluffy roll of paper specifically made to rectify the situation. Problem is, I got all the way to the finish line just to find there was nothing nearby that could fit the bill. I waddled around looking and found this crumbling old paper rolled up in the corner. It appeared to be rolled up like toilet paper, so I assumed it was just an ancient version that the Greeks used. Normally I'm more discerning about what goes near me down there, but I'd had BBQ the day before and there was a lot of slipping and sliding going on. So, long story short, a trap was triggered, there was a boulder chasing me down the hallway while my pants were by my ankles, and I had to use all of that paper plus my socks to clean up back there. And I still got chapped. I need some lotion.

 

LMAO! This thread is officially complete. *Applauds*

 

Also:

 

 

 

What has actually happened?

[Margrave]

This thread is bad and you should feel bad. Death to the Polaris heresy!

Also hello Dajobo, enjoying your retirement?

[Dajobo]

This thread is bad and you should feel bad. Death to the Polaris heresy!

Also hello Dajobo, enjoying your retirement?

This thread is good, I feel good and we'll live forever!

Also hello Margrave, no, TBH I hate it but it was the necessary decision.

[Dajobo]

The scrolls have been found!

Thanks to a member no longer of this world I will display them here so you all may be converted.

 

Hengē Kaia

The Truth
The word of Co-Di

 

Heeki 1-1

          On the twenty-first day of the eleventh month of the most holy yeaeth one (what the vile infidels call 11/21/2005), the god of relevant knowledge bestowed upon Eric, The Most Holy Prophet, HengÄ“ Kaia, the word of the Co-Divinity.

            And he spake HengÄ“ Kaia to the bovid masses whoeth in their ignorance renounced the truth, the word of the Co-Divinity, and threweth forth hurtful remarks about The Most Holy Prophet's mother.

            Andeth the Co-Divinity was angered, and in their agitated fury they tooketh revenge upon the bovid masses.

            The clouds partedeth and the voice of Celin Dioneth rumbled down like thunder upon the bovid masses. And they screamed in gut-wrenching agony. And the Pope fondled himself. And The Most Holy Prophet shouted to the heavens.

            "Please holy-ones, your punishment is to cruel! Must I also suffer?"

            And the Co-Divinity heard him, and Celin Dioneth's voice ceased to be. But still angered, the Co-Di unleashed a new horror, and frometh the clouds Bon Jovieth did spew.

            And The Most Holy Prophet pleaded again, "Holy ones! Strike them down with lightening, flood their cities, burn their children! Please! Anything but 'living on a prayer'! For whoa, I'm halfway there… whoa-OH! Son of a bitch it's too catchy!"

            The Co-Di in their wisdom and mercy withdrew the terrible song and sent forth Spiderman to punish the ignorant masses

            And Spiderman dideth indeed punish the bovid with his spinning webs and his incredibly impressive acrobatics.

            They would not so easily renounce HengÄ“ Kaia, the truth, the word of Co-Di, again.

 

Heeki 1-2

      On the twenty-second day of the eleventh month of the most holy first year, The Most Holy Prophet Eric encountered the Ozeda brothers.

            The one with blue eyes and black hair, styled to resemble a fin, was known as Heeki, a virtuous, charming, and quite handsome individual. The other had dark red colored skin, vertically split pupils like a crocodile, and a baldhead out of which two horns protruded. He was known as Nuke, a temperamental timpanist who means well.

            The most holy prophet was led to the Ozeda brothers by the god of relevant knowledge who spoketh in a voice like bells, "Seek out the Ozeda brothers. One has a black Mohawk and wears a three-piece Gucci suit, the other is red like an apple and drags a cart full of kettle drums behind him."

            It took The Most Holy Prophet nearly 1/336th (or 0.3%) of a fortnight to meet the Co-Di's wishes. And it took the Pope nearly 1/4032nd (or 0.02%) of a fortnight to get the abbot off. And the Ozeda brothers greeted Eric.

            "Yo" saideth the charming Heeki while Nuke set about preparing his drums for a song.

            "Hi" was the word with which the most holy prophet responded.

            Suddenly a shocking calamity of random drum slamming rang out as Nuke warmed up. And Clifford took a big red shit on the neighbor's yard. And Nuke's tonal bombardment morphed into a highly impressive performance of Mozart's 'Turkish Rondo'.

            The Most Holy Prophet clapped his hands together furiously in admiration and threw panties at Nuke. And Nuke threw them back while giving The Most Holy Prophet what most 2nd grade teacher's assistants would consider a dirty look.

            Eric, The Most Holy Prophet sensed the hostilityeth and threw the panties back at Nuke's face.

            Nuke, the temperamental timpanist who means well, was enraged, and threweth forth a small white cat at The Most Holy Prophet. Andeth the cat dug its claws into Eric's chest. And The Most Holy Prophet brushed the cat away while cursing at it. Andeth the courtesy clerk fired automatic weapons at the customers. And the manager was pissed at the courtesy clerk. The manager was on his way to berate the employee when all of the sudden Nuke and The Most Holy Prophet Eric crashed through the wall while punching the crap out of each other.

            The fight was getting out of hand, and the M.H.P. recognized this. So he raised his hands and shouted, "I choose you Pikachu!" And from his hands a poke ball flew.

            A yellow monster emerged with a fanfare of lightening.

            "Go Charizard!" was what Nuke had shouted whilst he threweth forth his poke ball.

            A winged lizard emerged from a swell of fire.

            And the battle was on! Pikachu used his thundershock with little success, as Charizard is a badass while Pikachu is conclusively a fruitcake.

            Charizard ripped the yellow rodent's debatably cute head off and bathed in the blood spurting from its neck while simultaneously removing and packaging its innards for sale on the black market, because Charizard is a badass and that's what badasses do.

            And the bovid cringed in disgust, although deep down they knew they liked it but because of societal standards that have been drilled into their heads from age 1, they had to act like they didn't.

            Suddenly Nuke revealed himself to be the god of evil and ignorance, the king of the bovid, the denouncer of HengÄ“ Kaia, the truth, the word of Co-Di.

            Andeth T.M.H.P. Eric fought Nuke for eight days, and on the ninth they signed an armistice, which created an uneasy peace.

            And both sides engaged in an arms race, sending troops and weapons to the perimeter of the DMZeth.

            On the twenty-fifth day of the twelfth month of the most holy first year, peace was shattered. Both sides launched every super weapon they had at each other.

            And T.M.H.P. Eric died.

            He died for the bovid's stupidity.

 

Nuke 1-1

            Heeki is full of shit.

 

Anton 1-1

          The words of Heeki, by nature, are always lies.

 

Flavius 1-1

          Exaggerated claims and extravagant falsities are the hallmarks of Heeki's speech.

 

Cash 1-1

          Yeah, fuck that guy!

 

Outrageously Comfortable My Ass


"Hey you gellin?" Todd asked.

"Gellin like a felon," Angie responded, "Hey Tucker, you gellin?"

"I'm like Magellan I'm so-" Tucker was suddenly interrupted by a fragmentation grenade that had been flung into the room and was now bouncing on the floor next to him.

POW!

The grenade went off, Tucker got creamed, and the door to the room flew open. Army soldiers came rushing in.

"Go, go, go! Kill the pinko-fascist islami-commies! No quarter! NO MERCY!" shouted the team leader as he and his men put bullets through the evil Schollsian's heads.

Flavius 1-2

On the second day of the first month of the slightly less than absurdly holy year twoeth, the Co-Di chose a new prophet to deliver Hengē Kaia to the ignorant masses.

The one who was selected was Cash, and selected he was by the Co-Di. A former professional glass blower, Cash was suited perfectly to the duties of saving the souls of every last man, woman, child, and dolphin from eternal damnation.

His task would be hindered though, by two demons that would follow him and attempt to break him. The National Association of Machete Wielding Gorillas knew the first demon as "chronic constipation". NAMWG referred to the second demon as Castorcanadenaziphobia*.

As far as I know, it is known to me that NAMWG is a reliable and accurate authority on all things holy and relating to holiness. Their thorough understanding of the divine is reflected in their wildly popular and catchy slogan:


The National Association of Machete Wielding Gorillas
"We never stop <CENSORED FOR THE PROTECTION OF THE CHILDREN> because pineapples truly <CENSORED IN THE INTEREST OF NATIONAL SECURITY> so have a nice <CENSORED BECAUSE THAT'S JUST WRONG>."

 

NAMWG, or Namweg, was also a favorite of Cash, The Most Holy Prophet (version #2.0), whom I said earlier was charged with the duty of preaching Hengē Kaia to the ignorant masses. On the twenty-second day of the second month of the slightly less than absurdly holy year twoeth, Cash, TMHP (v2.0), received a letter in the mail informing him of his clairvoyant duties.

He read the letter and cursed. And from his mouth spewed forth a shocking array of degrading words. And the FCC mobilized the GESTAPO to stop Cash before he traumatized the children with his foul and evil words because we all know that kids who hear curse words grow up to be prostitutes and communist dictators. And we don't want any more of those now do we?

So the GESTAPO rode forth upon their noble and valiant crocodiles to slayeth the evil beast of free speech in the name of the FCC and for the sake of the children. But the crocodiles regarded the First Amendment of the Constitution of the United States of America, (which states that "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.") as a non-negotiable document, vital to the fight against tyranny. So the crocodiles threw off the yoke of oppression and turned on their GESTAPO masters, eating them and then writing letters of petition to elected officials regarding the annexation of Canada.

The FCC would have to enlist the help of another group of misguided zealots before they could slay Cash.

 

Anton 1-2

      In the beginning, before existence there was nothing but The God of Relevant Knowledge and the God of Trivial Knowledge. The God of Relevant Knowledge and the God of Trivial Knowledge were lonely and very bored, when all of the sudden they got the idea to create a universe in which a species inspired by viruses and baboons with crossbows wearing leather-chaps would exist.

            So they created space, gravity, particles, electromagnetism, and other wonderful things and put them into the form of Theodore Roosevelt. And TR became the God of Beating the Monopoly Guy Down With Big Sticks Knowledge.

 The God of Relevant Knowledge, the God of Trivial Knowledge, and the God of Beating the Monopoly Guy Down With Big Sticks Knowledge together made up the Cooperative Triarchal Divinity, or Co-tri-Di.

But the Co-tri-Di was not to last.

Soon after the God of Beating the Monopoly Guy Down With Big Sticks Knowledge was created, he suddenly expanded and became the universe. The National Association of Machete Wielding Gorillas refers to this event as the Big Taft.

Now with only two gods remaining, the Cooperative Triarchy Divinity became the Cooperative Duarchal Divinity, or Co-Du-Di.

On the 2nd day of the sacred year 4,415,000,000 B.V.[1] the Co-Du-Di decided that Co-Du-Di was just plain silly, so they shortened it to Co-Di.

 

 



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* Castorcanadenaziphobia: an irrational fear of fascist beavers

[1] B.V. stands for "Before Velociraptor", the first intelligent and extremley holy species to exist on earth