Trivial Nomad

Dear Planet Bob, It is with great pleasure that I present to you the long-awaited 52nd edition of the Don’t Panic newsletter, an official publication of the Mostly Harmless Alliance™. For the uninitiated, Don’t Panic is an excruciatingly lengthy newsletter full of meaningless drivel peddled by the MHA in lieu of participating in the actual events that unfold on Planet Bob. You could be forgiven for being unaware of the publication, as our last release was over 2.5 years ago. Of course, those senior citizens of Bob will surely remember our most important issue in Don’t Panic #46, which featured the interview with VLADITRON, the Supreme Leader of Bob, shortly after his initial conquest of the Mostly Harmless Alliance. It is perhaps worth taking a moment to quote VLADITRON’s words from December 4, 2011: Incompetent MHA Boob: As nations cannot be truly destroyed in Planet Bob, how do you plan to bring about the destruction of the MHA? VLADITRON: Consider if you will the nations of [irrelevant, destroyed MHA nations]. [Nation 1] immediately seceded from the MHA only minutes after VODKA’s first blitz on the nation, and [nation 2] chose to wipe itself from the face of Bob after receiving a PM that indicated it had been added to the VODKA PZI list. However, despite the statistical damages VODKA continues to deal to the MHA, our goals are more ambitious. VODKA aims not only to destroy the infrastructure and technology of MHA nations, but to destroy the very essence of the MHA and all that it stands for. Your bland incompetence has gone unchecked and unopposed for far too long, and the MHA has become a cancerous growth that threatens the very life of Bob. The planet is now under VODKA rule, and we will accept nothing less than excellence from our citizens. Inactivity and passivity will no longer be tolerated as we enter Bob’s Final Golden Age. VODKA will continue to trample the souls of the MHA membership until its very spirit has been utterly destroyed. The people of Bob have rejoiced, for the Mostly Harmless Alliance has been destroyed and the Final Golden Age is upon us! Mostly Harmless News The most momentous moment in MHA history occurred on October 2, 2016, when I, Trivial Nomad, became the new leader of the Mostly Harmless Alliance. In the official announcement, all previous members were banished from the alliance, and all existing treaties were cancelled. This move cemented VODKA’s utter defeat of the Mostly Harmless Alliance. The Mostly Harmless Alliance is currently ranked #264 (of 314) in terms of score and #306 (of 314) in terms of strength. The legacy of the Mostly Harmless Alliance is clear – the worst alliance in the history of Bob, miserably defeated by her opponents. In other news, the previous members of the MHA have been scattered to the winds, attempting to huddle together for warmth though unprotected by any allies, let alone by any military competence of their own. These members have made no official announcement of formation, nor have any allies come forward to offer them protection. Pretenders to the Throne Though their hackneyed attempts to garner sympathy are beneath even this ridiculous publication, it will perhaps be entertaining to the people of Bob to gain a glimpse into the inner workings of the group that has since been banished from the Mostly Harmless Alliance. These nations still maintain a private webzone where they fly the MHA flags without any right to do so, though they have been allowed to exist since they continued to grant me access to their "private" channels, allowing me to keep my full member mask for nearly two weeks after my coup. I now present to you some interesting tidbits from these political masterminds. Shortly before my hostile takeover, the impressive MHA electorate came out in droves to elect their next triumvir. The ruler known as jesbro ran unopposed – here are the results of the election, peddled to 100+ MHA members: Yes, Mr. jesbro lost the election with a 1 to 1 vote. Of course the results of the next election were irrelevant, since by that time the Mostly Harmless Alliance had sworn fealty to VODKA and our ultimate emperor, King Vladimir VIII, and his cyborg avatar VLADITRON. Still, Mr. jesbro decided to crown himself “triumvir” long before the next vote came to pass, mocking those few that still feigned allegiance to the flag that had been ripped from their grasp. I must say, I do respect the strategy and the utter condemnation of the will of those fools who still call themselves “hitchhikers.” A few other topics of interest may be perused at your leisure HERE. A few notable threads are included in PDF form, including the thread in which “fleet 1” members share puny warchest amounts, MHA members opine their lack of presence in these halls, and the membership frets “we no longer exist” (though for 36 hours does not consider simply reclaiming their AA). I would include other threads, but there are precious few other posts of any substance that are more recent than 2014 on the entire forum… truly. Finally, as we come full circle, I will leave you with the June 2014 promise of the impending Don’t Panic! #52. I do apologize that the publication has been delayed some 2.5 years. Cocktail of the Month In true Don’t Panic fashion, I have elected to feature a drink in this newsletter. All previous drinks were vastly inferior to this cocktail, whose recipe is detailed below. The Vladimetric Organization of Dedicated Killer Assassins (VODKA) · 2 oz vodka · 2 oz vodka · 2 oz vodka Place all ingredients in a drinking receptacle. Drink. Repeat until you have dominated the globe. Staff Listing Trivial Nomad / VLADITRON – Ruler of the Mostly Harmless Alliance and Supreme Leader of Planet Bob

The VODKA empire smiles upon the death and destruction promised by the BTM movement. The Mostly Harmless Alliance hereby declares war on Umbrella and her allies.

Still you do not seem to grasp the magnitude of what has happened. From now until the end of time, the people of Bob will look on and see that the Mostly Harmless Alliance has been utterly destroyed by the forces of VODKA. Of course the people of Bob have known since the first VODKA wars that the MHA was doomed and defeated; the inevitable conclusion has simply come to pass.

This is patently false. Your nation does not possess nuclear weapons.

Surely it is clear by now that the People of Bob have accepted with indifference the defeat of the Mostly Harmless Alliance, of which you are literally no longer a part. These statements are false, and there is no need to make them twice - your lies fall on deaf ears.

To my humble and loving servants, the people of Bob, This man is a charlatan. As you are all aware and have celebrated, the Mostly Harmless Alliance is in ruins, having been utterly destroyed by the will of the cyborg VLADITRON. This jesbro character is very literally not part of the alliance for which he is attempting to speak, and for which he falsely represents with his "alliance name". These are serious offenses indeed! As the actual leader of the Mostly Harmless Alliance, I will reiterate that jesbro and all others flying the MHA flag have been removed forcibly from the alliance, and that all previous MHA treaties have been cancelled, as outlined in the official MHA announcement thread. I will also remind the people of Bob that the desperate and hapless few nations that have huddled together for warmth in the wake of the destruction of the MHA are yet unprotected and unaffiliated with any recognized alliance. As more than a week has passed without comment from their previous allies, it should be clear that these nations are therefore free to raid without fear of retaliation from any competent nations. As an update on the progress of the real Mostly Harmless Alliance, things are going terribly! The alliance has a strength of exactly 375, with hopes to plummet even closer to zero in the near future. The MHA will be sure to keep you informed of our progress with the lengthy newsletters we write instead of filling our trade slots.

This issue has of course been settled with the most recent announcement from the actual Mostly Harmless Alliance. The previous members (who left their AA unclaimed for 34 hours) have been exiled from the alliance. Furthermore, all MHA treaties have been destroyed. The Mostly Harmless Alliance fully endorses any raids on these nations.

Greetings, people of Bob! You may be aware that the Mostly Harmless Alliance was recently disbanded due to the gross incompetence and negligence of its leadership and members. Though I myself only had three weeks of membership in the alliance, it was clear that no previous members were going to claim the empty throne left in the Doogan's wake. As such, I have taken it upon myself to raise the banners of the Mostly Harmless Alliance once more. I hereby declare myself, Trivial Nomad, to be the new Leader of the Mostly Harmless Alliance. Furthermore, the MHA swears fealty to the one true governing organization on Planet Bob, the Vladimetric Organization of Dedicated Killer Assassins (VODKA). The cleverest among you have already realized that this day was predestined... for it was nearly six years ago that King Vladimir VIII waged the first war in VODKA's name, in which he decimated the Mostly Harmless Alliance. One year later, the fearless leader fulfilled the next phase of his destiny as he was reborn and rebuilt as the cyborg VLADITRON. The People of Bob rejoiced at the return of their ruler, and waged a war in his name, before he left Bob to return to his home planet. You may once again rejoice, for the one true leader of Planet Bob returned just 27 days ago! Yes, it is I, VLADITRON, returned from my homeworld to make good on my promise of reducing the MHA to rubble and ash. With my secret identity revealed, my final destiny takes shape. My first act as actual leader of the Mostly Harmless Alliance was to permanently banish all nations previously aligned with the MHA, with the exception of the nation of Lava Khido (HAIL VODKA!) - you have my unrestricted approval to attack these nations at will. Furthermore, the strength of the Mostly Harmless Alliance has been reduced to effectively zero. The MHA is not accepting new members at this time. With my next official act, I hereby cancel any and all treaties previously held by the Mostly Harmless Alliance. Good riddance to you all.. Have a nice day, Trivial Nomad / VLADITRON / King Vladimir VIII, Supreme Ruler of Bob and leader of the Mostly Harmless Alliance