HappyTheHobo

My name is Happy The Hobo, and I approve this message.

Seven Drunken Farkers As I went home on Monday night as drunk as drunk could be, I saw a bum outside the door where no old bum should be. Well, I called the OWF and I said to them: Will you kindly tell to me Who is that bum outside the door where no old bum should be? Ah, you're drunk, you're drunk you silly old Fark, So drunk you can not see. That's just CountryMouse that Fark erected see Well, it's many a day I've travelled a hundred miles or more But a person sure who would vote for CountryMouse I never saw before! And as I went home on Tuesday night as drunk as drunk could be, I saw some pants up on the line where my old pants should be. Well, I called the OWF and I said to them: Will you kindly tell to me Who owns them pants up on the line where my old pants should be? Ah, you're drunk, you're drunk you silly old Fark, So drunk you can not see. Those belong to Rampage3 that Fark erected see Well, it's many a day I've travelled a hundred miles or more But Rampage3 owning pants I never saw before! And as I went home on Wednesday night as drunk as drunk could be, I saw a meme up on the screen where my old meme should be. Well, I called the OWF and I said to them: Will you kindly tell to me What is this meme up on the screen where my old meme should be? Ah, you're drunk, you're drunk you silly old Fark, So drunk you can not see. That's a pic of bmckenna that Fark erected see Well, it's many a day I've travelled a hundred miles or more But bmckenna in a taco hat I never saw before! And as I went home on Thursday night as drunk as drunk could be, I saw Dos Equis inside the fridge where my Yuengling should be. Well, I called the OWF and I said to them: Will you kindly tell to me Why's Dos Equis inside the fridge where my Yuengling should be? Ah, you're drunk, you're drunk you silly old Fark, So drunk you can not see. That belongs to one_eighty_two that Fark erected see Well, it's many a day I've travelled a hundred miles or more But one_eighty_two affording good beer I never saw before! And as I went home on Friday night as drunk as drunk could be, I saw a head down in The Bowl where my old head should be. Well, I called the OWF and I said to them: Will you kindly tell to me Who owns that head down in The Bowl where my old head should be? Ah, you're drunk, you're drunk you silly old Fark, So drunk you can not see. That is just Rollo Gigante that Fark erected see Well, it's many a day I've travelled a hundred miles or more But Rollo Gigante finished drinking by now I never saw before! And as I went home on Saturday night as drunk as drunk could be, I saw a dove on my nation's page where a war option should be. Well, I called the OWF and I said to them: Will you kindly tell to me Who killed my wars with all you whores without you warning me? Ah, you're drunk, you're drunk you silly old Fark, So drunk you can not see. That's 905's nation page that Fark erected see Well, it's many a day I've travelled a hundred miles or more But 905 hugging his pixels I never saw before! As I went home on Sunday night as drunk as drunk could be, I saw a lad running out the back, with great agility. Well, I called the OWF and I said to them: Will you kindly tell to me Who was that lad running out the back with great agility? Ah, you're drunk, you're drunk you silly old Fark, So drunk you can not see. That was just Cable77 that Fark erected see Well, it's many a day I've travelled a hundred miles or more But Cable77 not in bed by ten I've never seen before! tl;dr Submitter: Cable77 Squirrel 905 Council: Rollo Gigante (SotC) one_eighty_two bmckenna Rampage3 CoutyMoose (aka CountryMouse)

You know that he's for sale, right? For just 100 tech and a keg of Boulevard Wheat you can be the owner of a gently used Cable.

Two words - Ben Farking Affleck. He directed and acted in last year's Best Picture winner, Argo (one of many critically acclaimed films in recent years). Now he's coming back to completely dump all over his progress by becoming Batman, which will surely remind us of his Bennifer days. Based on the uproar over the decision to cast Ben as Bruce Wayne/Batman in the "Man of Steel" sequel, it is obvious that fans are not pleased. In light of the strong negative reaction the announcement garnered, Farkistan has rounded up five Farkers for your consideration to replace Affleck as the new Batman. one_eighty_two: While his previous credits are anemic (his series of PSAs for early prostate cancer screening did not end well), one_eighty_two has the acting chops to pull off Batman. His four-pack-a-day habit of unfiltered Lucky Strikes gifted him with a voice that has just the right amount of raspiness, and his untreated case of TMJ has given him the necessary clenched jaw. Not to mention that he's, you know, not Ben Affleck. bmckenna: A bit of a darkhorse to play the Caped Crusader, bmckenna has one significant advantage over the rest of these farkers: a clinically diagnosed bat fetish. All his hygiene products, clothing, and home furnishings are made entirely by bats, or from bat-byproducts. He is a prolific writer and reader of bat fanfic and claims to use echolocation to navigate through his surroundings. While his more deviant behaviors with bats would sicken most sane humans, he avoids criminal prosecution because our legal system has woefully few laws on the subject of bat molestation. Also, he is not Ben Affleck. Rampage3: For pure volume of acting talent, no Farker comes close to the filmography of Rampage3. Granted, of his 1,341 film credits, 1,339 of them are adult films. Weird Moldovian adult films, where Yak milk is currency and the naked women look like they're wearing bikinis made of hair. He has starred in more pornographic Batman-themed parody films than any other living actor. We polled (what? it is a legitimate verb in this context) Farkistan's membership and asked if they would rather see Rampage3 play Batman, or see Ben Affleck in "How Stella Got Her Tube Packed." While the results are confidential, I can tell you that Rampage3 won. It should also be noted that Rampage3 is not Ben Affleck. CountryMouse: He's not the Batman actor we deserve, but he is the Batman actor we need right now. What the hell does that even mean? Was that previous question rhetorical? What about the sentence before this one? Look Bob, you're going to have to trust me on this one. We need CountryMouse for reasons I cannot articulate (aside from the fact that he is NOT Ben Affleck). It's a "me problem" and I'm working on it. stargatesg1: stargatesg1 is also not Ben Affleck. Wikipedia defines Cosplay as "Cosplay, short for 'costume play', is an activity in which participants wear costumes and accessories to represent a specific character or idea from a work of fiction." Around here, we define Cosplay as, "stargatesg1." What follows are just two examples of his excellent Batman Cosplay: [url=http://i.imgur.com/spx3a2b.jpg]Sample1[/url] & [url=http://i.imgur.com/aRswy9c.jpg]Sample2[/url]. It's uncanny - isn't it? Anyone who puts that much dedication into the costume work and effort into achieving the necessary physique to play the character...would make a much better Batman than Affleck. Hopefully, Hollywood will wake up and quit pissing all over our favorite DC heroes. I mean seriously. Ben Affleck as Batman?? Ryan Reynolds as Green Lantern?? What's next, Dane Cook as the Flash? That slut from Twilight as Wonder Woman? Ugh. the only way this movie can be saved is if they cast Matt Damon as Robin and play it off as some sort of sick, cruel, unfunny joke. tl;dr - Fark has a new gov: one_eighty_two, SoTC bmckenna Rampage3 CountryMouse stargatesg1

Farkistan is looking totally down to erect for like no reason.

hali o7

We're always coming up with new and creative ways to force people into serving on the TotalFark council. It's a thankless job filled with hours of arguing, angry drinking, and endless complaints from grouchy Farkers. This month, we present... Farkers and Farkettes, COME ON DOWN! You're the next contestants on The Price is FARK! The gameshow where there are no cash prizes and your only reward is escaping from this hellhole with your sanity in tact! Let's take a look at this month's big losers! Randomly Jim looks surprisingly feminine as he watches the game of cliffhanger in dismay. He lost by estimating the new changes to CN would take more than 30 weeks to scare away the remaning nations. The penalty? Council service. Plinko is a long-time favorite of Beachrat, who crapped out by hitting the secret score. From the Punch-A-Bunch board, we see lostindenver's hopes built up and dashed by that weasel, Drew Carey. Drew will NEVER be as good as Bob Barker. EVER. Also, Lid is apparently an old asian woman. P3 Shows off the Admin Prize of The Day bonus she won by spinning exactly $1.00. Hopefully it will make the days go faster for her! Over-bidding is the worst thing you can do in The Price is FARK. one_eighty_two earned a spot as Speaker of the Council by failing on the easiest showcase showdown we've had in years. Don't forget to stop by the Farkistan forums at www.farkistan.org to participate in the online version of The Price is FARK. (no seriously, hobo has been working on some Price Is Right themed forum games) That's all the time we have for this month. Please remember to help control the troll population: have your OWF troll spayed or neutered (again). tl;dr New TotalFark Council: one_eighty_two (SoTC) P3 lostindenver (LiD) beachrat Randomly Jim

The goal of this letter is to bring about the demise of New Sith Order's capricious taradiddles just as Charter 77 brought about the demise of communism in Czechoslovakia. Permit me this forum to rant. New Sith Order should take a step back and look at everything from a different perspective. Excuse me; that's not entirely correct. What I meant to say is that New Sith Order's manifestos have an unsavory historical track record. I submit that everyone should stop and mull that assertion. Then, people will understand why New Sith Order has made it known that it fully intends to project a stream of tyrannical images of death, sex, disaster, material goods, celebrities, and other fixtures in a mock-Olympian firmament. If those words don't scare you, nothing will. If they are not a clear warning, I don't know what could be. New Sith Order can't throw away its integrity and expect the world to respect it for it. You may have detected a hint of sarcasm in the way I phrased that last statement, but I assure you that I am not exaggerating the situation. I've known a number of honorable people who have laid down their lives to call a spade a spade. Without exception, these people understood deeply that if New Sith Order doesn't realize that it's generally considered bad style to silence any criticism of the brainwashing and double standards that it has increasingly been practicing, then it should read one of the many self-help books on the subject. I recommend it buy one with big print and lots of pictures. Maybe then New Sith Order will grasp the concept that its pals have been waxing stridently about Stalinism, New Sith Order's obiter dicta, and why New Sith Order should wreck our country, derail our civilization, and threaten the human race with extinction. Meanwhile, I, speaking as someone who is not a snarky scatterbrain, have been uplifting individuals and communities on a global scale to work together towards a shared vision. What do I hope to achieve by doing such a thing? I hope to achieve widespread recognition that after hearing about New Sith Order's pharisaical attempts to make conditions far worse than could ever have been the case without its vengeful efforts, I was saddened. I was saddened that it has lowered itself to this level. New Sith Order's plan is to meddle in everyone else's affairs. New Sith Order's expositors are moving at a frightening pace toward the total implementation of that agenda, which includes manipulating the public like a puppet dangling from strings. To those unconscionable, acrimonious pronks who think that New Sith Order holds a universal license that allows it to raise extortionate demands, know this: It can't possibly believe that we have no reason to be fearful about the criminally violent trends in our society today and over the past ten to fifteen years. It's poxy but it's not that poxy. Although I can find only circumstantial evidence of misconduct and rule violations, New Sith Order does not appeal to most people as being the most endearing or public-minded of organizations. Maybe its image would improve somewhat if it stopped trying to encourage people to leave their spouses, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become spleenful lotharios. Couldn't you figure that out for yourself, New Sith Order? If we let New Sith Order take a condescending cheap shot at a person whom most cheeky luftmenschen will never be in a position to condescend to, who's going to protect us? The government? Our parents? Superman? Probably none of the above. That's why it's important to highlight all of the problems with New Sith Order's infernal commentaries. I have seen what New Sith Order is capable of, and I am afraid. I am very afraid and I am very angry. New Sith Order's propaganda machine once said that New Sith Order would never inure us to lousy, ill-bred Leninism. So much for credibility! Of perhaps even more concern is that New Sith Order's biggest lie is that people prefer "cultural integrity" and "multicultural sensitivity" to health, food, safety, and the opportunity to choose their own course through life. Sure, it might be able to peddle that boatload of parisology to the hayseeds, but I don't know if it is consciously and purposely evil or merely laughable. I do know, however, that the claim that the key to living a long and happy life is to take the robes of political power off the shoulders of the few honest people who wear them and put them upon the shoulders of dimwitted crooks is illusory. A person could write a whole book on that topic alone. In order to be as brief as possible, though, I'll state simply that it seems clear that the people New Sith Order attacks deserve compassion, not insults, put-downs, or stereotypes. But we ought to look at the matter in a broader framework before we draw final conclusions on the subject: We see that there are three fairly obvious problems with New Sith Order's reports, each of which needs to be addressed by any letter that attempts to turn random, senseless violence into meaningful action. First, the vastly inflated humanitarian forecasts of New Sith Order's paroxysms are unrecognizable when compared to their inevitable outcome. Second, New Sith Order's grievances are attributable to an ignorance born of fear. And third, New Sith Order plans to prevent me from sleeping soundly at night when you least expect it. I'd like to see it try to get away with such a plan; that should be good for a laugh. You see, most people have already observed that the baneful nature of New Sith Order's inveracities is not just a rumor. It is a fact to which I can testify. I beg of you: Use your head for something more meaningful than being a delivery system for New Sith Order's vindictive viewpoints. Use it for thinking about how some of the facts I'm about to present may seem shocking. This they certainly are. However, New Sith Order has a near-legendary lack of common sense, decency, and manners. I trust that I have not shocked any of you by writing that. However, I do realize that some of my readers may feel that much of what I have penned about New Sith Order in this letter is heartless and in violation of our Christian duty to love everyone. If so, I can say only that it's amazing to me that New Sith Order's apologists actually suspect that New Sith Order has achieved sainthood. Not only must such people be mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration, but New Sith Order cannot be tamed by "tolerance" and "accommodation" but is actually spurred on by such gestures. It sees such gestures as a sign of weakness on our part and is thereby encouraged to continue promoting a herd mentality over principled, individual thought. It has been proven time and time again that New Sith Order's orations are a house of mirrors. How are we to find the opening that leads to freedom? Personally, I don't believe the answer has anything to do with yahooism. Rather, I believe it involves New Sith Order's tendency to talk about you and me in terms that are not fit to be repeated. New Sith Order sometimes has trouble convincing people that the world can be happy only when its coalition is given full rein. When it has such trouble, it usually trots out a few puerile guttersnipes to constate authoritatively that New Sith Order's expostulations are intelligent, commonsensical, and entirely consonant with the views of ordinary people. Whether or not that trick of its works, it's still the case that New Sith Order's ideological colors may have changed over the years. Nevertheless, its core principle has remained the same: to infantilize and corrupt the public. If you don't believe me then note that we must transcend traditional thinking. This call to action begins with you. You must be the first to lead it to resipiscence. You must be the one to show pluck and optimism when presented with threats and terror. And you must inform your fellow man that the world would be a much better place to live if New Sith Order just stopped trying to create division in the name of diversity. Why do I tell you this? Because these days, no one else has the guts to. If we contradict New Sith Order, we are labelled covinous ninnyhammers. If we capitulate, however, we forfeit our freedoms. New Sith Order, already oppressive with its stultiloquent communiqués, will perhaps be the ultimate exterminator of our human species—if separate species we be—for its reserve of unguessed horrors could never be borne by mortal brains if loosed upon the world. If you think that that's a frightening thought then consider that New Sith Order has written volumes about how might makes right. Don't believe a word of it, though. The truth is that the biggest supporters of its heinous manuscripts are hypersensitive loonies and recalcitrant peddlers of snake-oil remedies. A secondary class of ardent supporters consists of ladies of elastic virtue and cosmopolitan tendencies to whom such things afford a decent excuse for displaying their fascinations at their open windows. I've heard New Sith Order say that everything is happy and fine and good. Was that just a slip of the lip, or is New Sith Order secretly trying to rebrand local churches as faith-based emporia teeming with impulse-buy items? The answer is too well-known to bear repeating, but I should comment that New Sith Order's ruderies are not an abstract problem. They have very concrete, immediate, and unpleasant consequences. For instance, New Sith Order seems to be involved in a number of illegal or borderline-illegal activities. For it and its idolators, tax evasion and financial chicanery are scarcely outside the norm. Even financial fraud and thievery seem to be okay. What's next? Endowing antipluralism with a false legitimacy? I can say only that if New Sith Order gets its way, none of us will be able to provide an atmosphere of mutual respect, free from obscurantism, masochism, and all other forms of prejudice and intolerance. Therefore, we must not let New Sith Order sound the standard "they're out to get us" call and rally its vassals to evade responsibility. Because we continue to share a common, albeit abused, atmospheric envelope, I, hardheaded cynic that I am, don't need to tell you that New Sith Order is a social liability. That should be self-evident. What is less evident is that New Sith Order uses highfalutin terms like "proconstitutionalism" and "macracanthrorhynchiasis" to conceal its plans to create an intimidating, hostile, and demeaning environment. In this scheme of its, a mass of grandiloquent words falls upon the facts like soft snow, blurring the outlines and covering up all the details. We become unable to see that my cause is to banish divisiveness. I call upon men and women from all walks of life to support my cause with their life-affirming eloquence and indomitable spirit of human decency and moral righteousness. Only then will the whole world realize that the worst kinds of eccentric saboteurs there are are intrigued and puzzled by New Sith Order's amalgam of foolish interventionism and presumptuous Machiavellianism—a tangled web of KKK, Freudian, encounter-therapy, populist, Ayn Rand-like, and Marxist notions. Still, I recommend you check out some of New Sith Order's prophecies and draw your own conclusions on the matter. Even though New Sith Order presents a public face that avoids overt nihilism, the main dissensus between me and New Sith Order is that I warrant that New Sith Order's capilotades are clear testimony to the fact that New Sith Order's deeds are complete and total offal. It, on the other hand, contends that without its superior guidance, we will go nowhere. My sources tell me that New Sith Order intends to encourage uninformed windbags to see themselves as victims and, therefore, live by alibis rather than by honest effort in the immediate years ahead. Not on my watch! I am therefore calling upon all good citizens to place blame where it belongs—in the hands of New Sith Order and its destructive companions. One of New Sith Order's most loyal acolytes is known to have remarked, "Profits come before people." And there you have it: a direct quote from a primary source. The significance of that quote is that New Sith Order is the embodiment of everything petty in our lives. Every grievance, every envy, every crass ideology finds expression in New Sith Order. I'd peg the odds at about six to one that New Sith Order will provoke terrible, total, universal, and merciless destruction sometime soon. If I'm wrong, I promise that I'll gladly jump in the lake. For your edification, I should definitely point out that on several occasions I have heard New Sith Order state that it knows 100% of everything 100% of the time. I am not able to rightly apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a comment. What I consider far more important though is that one of New Sith Order's favorite dirty tricks is to forge letters from its critics. These forgeries are laced with scandalous "revelations" about everyone New Sith Order hates. Such trickery deflects attention from the fact that New Sith Order denies that it has been combining the most sordid avarice with the most invincible hatred of the very people who tolerate and enrich it. Its denials clearly contradict reports from eyewitnesses who saw it interfering with the most important principles of democracy. I'd like to see New Sith Order spin its way out of that one. So, sorry for being so long-winded in this letter, but I must obviously reach out even to my most ostrich-like readers and show them how New Sith Order's buddies pamper disloyal pettifoggers, as though it were a disgrace to provide you with vital information that New Sith Order has gone to great lengths to prevent you from discovering.

As you will soon discover, this letter does not fixate on a single topic or subject. To be perfectly frank and honest, it started out rather focused but I soon found, as I worked on my primary hypothesis and sought corroboration from other sources, that I have quite a number of different things to say about Miss Lelula Clown Sweater. Read on, gentle reader, and hear what I have to say. On a television program last night I heard one of this country's top scientists conclude that, "It's incumbent upon us all, as thinking machines and social beings, to think very hard about how Lelula's squibs do not come without a price." That's exactly what I have so frequently argued, and I am pleased to have my view confirmed by so eminent an individual. Scary ultraism is a disgrace to humanity but it cannot be eliminated by moral lectures or by pious intentions. No, it can be eradicated only if we encourage individuals to come out of their cocoons and flourish. She wants to be the one who determines what information we have access to. Yet Lelula is also a big proponent of a particularly obstreperous form of voyeurism. Do you see something wrong with that picture? What I see is that I am now in a position to define what I mean when I say that a true enemy is better than a false friend. What I mean is that Lelula's small-minded attempt to construct a creative response to my previous letter was absolutely pitiful. Really, Lelula, stringing together a bunch of solecistic insults and seemingly random babble is hardly effective. It simply proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that being forced to listen to her yap on and on about ultracrepidarianism is about as desirable as being flayed alive and rolled in salt. But you knew that already. So let me add that it is immature and stupid of her to weaken our mental and moral fiber. It would be mature and intelligent, however, to offer manumission to those who are held captive by her inattentive, petulant ruderies, and that's why I say that her most progressive idea is to create an unwelcome climate for those of us who are striving to kick butt and take names. If that sounds progressive to you, you must be facing the wrong way. There's a lot of daylight between Lelula's views and mine. She believes that unfounded attacks on character, loads of hyperbole, and fallacious information are the best way to make a point while I maintain that animalism has served as the justification for the butchering, torture, and enslavement of more people than any other "ism". That's why it's Lelula's favorite; it makes it easy for her to paralyze needed efforts to recall the ideals of compassion, nonviolence, community, and cooperation. I have long been under the impression that if Lelula can't stand the heat, she should get out of the kitchen. She uses big words like "pharmacodynamic" to make herself sound important. For that matter, benevolent Nature has equipped another puny creature, the skunk, with a means of making itself seem important, too. Although Lelula's criticisms may reek like a skunk, I am so mad at Lelula right now, I could spit nails, so to speak. Finally, it is not at all unlikely that in this letter I have said some things to which many of my readers may take exception. It has not been any part of my purpose either to please or to displease anybody but simply to tell the truth and to say, so far as I have given expression to my views, precisely what I think. And what I think is this: Miss Lelula Clown Sweater works from the false assumption that most people actually want diabolic, stingy callow-types to gain a respectable foothold for her fork-tongued smears.

YOLO

I am writing on behalf of myself and a few of my friends to state that TotalFark Council's use of ignominious cheeky-types is pathetic. Let me start by stressing that I am not attempting to suppress anyone's opinions, nor do I intend to demean TotalFark Council personally for its beliefs or worldviews. But I do claim that I must resolve a number of lingering problems. TotalFark Council, snooty fefnicutes, and a few decent but occasionally homophobic people are engaged in a desperate struggle for the soul of society. The sooner it comes to grips with that reality, the better for all of us. I won't bore you with the details, but suffice it to say that TotalFark Council may empty the meaning of such concepts as "self," "justice," "freedom," and other profundities right after it reads this letter. Let it. Some day, I will open students' eyes, minds, hearts, and souls to the world around them. If we don't exercise all of our basic rights to the maximum, then TotalFark Council will soon become unstoppable. No borders will be able to detain it. No united global opinion will be able to isolate it. No international police or juridical institutions will be able to interdict it. Having already explained that TotalFark Council's methods of interpretation are so amoral as to beggar belief, let me now state that it's easy for us to shake our heads at TotalFark Council's foolishness and cowardice. It's easy for us to exclaim that we should detail the specific steps and objectives needed to thwart TotalFark Council's flighty schemes. It's easy for us to say, "It is our duty to our children and to their children and to our yet unborn posterity to show you, as dispassionately as possible, what kind of impudent, atrabilious thoughts TotalFark Council is thinking about these days." The point is that it's easy for us to say these things because what really irks me is that TotalFark Council has presented us with a Hobson's choice. Either we let it create an untrue and injurious impression of an entire people or it'll provide financial support to backwards banana republics and their uneducated dictators. A small child really couldn't understand that TotalFark Council and its confidants behave like a colony of culicidae decrying the occasional angry slap by those that have been stung by TotalFark Council's unbalanced stratagems. But any adult can easily grasp that if I hear TotalFark Council's pals say, "Featherbrained wiseacres make the best scoutmasters and schoolteachers" one more time, I'm indeed going to throw up. TotalFark Council seems unable to think of turns of speech that aren't hackneyed. What really grates on my nerves, however, is that its prose consists less of words chosen for the sake of their meaning than of phrases tacked together like the sections of a prefabricated henhouse. TotalFark Council's grotty adages replace discourse and open dialogue with sex-crazed beliefs (as I would certainly not call them logically reasoned arguments) and blatant ugliness. News of this deviousness must spread like wildfire if we are ever to appeal not to the contented and satisfied but embrace those tormented by suffering, those without peace, the unhappy and the discontented. At the very least, back when our policemen were guardians, not enforcers, they would have protected us from TotalFark Council's club. Today, it seems that most officers of the law are content to sit back and let TotalFark Council turn us into easy prey for the most balmy misosophists you'll ever see. That's why we must strip the unjust power from those who seek power over others and over nature. TotalFark Council has it all wrong; it has a strategy. Its strategy is to form the association in the public's mind between any deeds it disagrees with and the ideas of hate and violence and illegality. Wherever you encounter that strategy, you are dealing with TotalFark Council. TotalFark Council is interpersonally exploitative. That is, it takes advantage of others to achieve its own anti-democratic ends. Why does it do that? The most appealing theory has to do with the way that its pudibund lieutenants like to shout, "Let's impact public policy for years to come. That'll be wonderful. Hooray, hooray!" But that won't be wonderful. Rather, it'll promote a herd mentality over principled, individual thought. Although TotalFark Council has tremendous popular appeal I recently heard it tell a bunch of people that we can stop racism merely by permitting government officials entrée into private homes to search for ruffianism-oriented mobocrats. I can't adequately describe my first reaction to this notion; I simply don't know how to represent uncontrollable laughter in text. I find that I am embarrassed. I am embarrassed that some people don't realize that you don't need a preschool diploma to understand that I take seriously the view that I can't help it if TotalFark Council can't take a joke. More emphatically, it's definitely a tragedy that its goal in life is apparently to repeat the mistakes of the past. Here, I use the word "tragedy" as the philosopher Whitehead used it. Whitehead stated that "the essence of dramatic tragedy is not unhappiness. It resides in the solemnity of the remorseless working of things," which I interpret as saying that I'm not in the habit of giving advice to TotalFark Council's malevolent, hectoring secret police. However, there's always a first time: You guys should stop palliating and excusing the atrocities of TotalFark Council's chargés d'affaires. I admit I don't have much confidence that they'll follow that advice, but it's important to make it known that if we don't soon tell TotalFark Council to stop what it's doing, it will proceed with its spineless malisons, considerably emboldened by our lack of resistance. We will have tacitly given TotalFark Council our permission to do so. Let's be frank: TotalFark Council's views no more represent the convictions of those of us here than Louis XVI's represented the sentiments of the French people, and everyone with half a brain understands that. That's just one side of the coin. The other side is that TotalFark Council says that the government (and perhaps it itself) should have sweeping powers to arrest and hold people indefinitely on flimsy grounds. What balderdash! What impudence! What treachery! TotalFark Council is thoroughly unsophisticated, as it has proved to my complete satisfaction. TotalFark Council's objective is clear: to discredit legitimate voices in the gangsterism debate quicker than you can double-check the spelling of "anthropomorphologically". If you want to clear up these muddied waters with some reality, then tell everyone you know the truth, that TotalFark Council's behavior might be different if it were told that this is nothing new. Of course, as far as TotalFark Council is concerned, this fact will fall into the category of, "My mind is made up; don't confuse me with the facts." That's why I'm telling you that it has not yet been successful at condoning illegal activities. Still, give it some time, and I'm sure it'll figure out how to do something at least that feebleminded, probably more so. In any event, immature, caustic yutzes are born, not made. That dictum is as unimpeachable as the "poeta nascitur, non fit" that it echoes and as irreproachable as the brocard that there is only one way to stop TotalFark Council from enacting new laws forcing anyone who's not one of its proxies to live in an environment that can be described, at best, as contemptuously tolerant. We must make out of fools, wise people; out of fanatics, men of sense; out of idlers, workers; out of the most loopy skybalds you'll ever see, people who are willing to oppugn TotalFark Council's headstrong catch-phrases. Then together we can set the record straight. Together we can show the world that most of you reading this letter have your hearts in the right place. Now follow your hearts with actions. TotalFark Council used to be a major proponent of Fabianism. Nowadays, it's putting all of its support behind obscurantism. As they say, plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose. If TotalFark Council can give us all a succinct and infallible argument proving that children should belong to the state, I will personally deliver its Nobel Prize for Blowsy Rhetoric. In the meantime, there is one crucial fact that we must not overlook if we are to perceive our current situation as it is, rather than in the anamorphosis of some "ideology" such as philistinism or Machiavellianism. Specifically, TotalFark Council has a vested interest in maintaining the myths that keep its terrorist organization loyal to it. Its principal myth is that the Earth is flat. The truth is that TotalFark Council is secretly saying that I should just take the coward's path and do nothing to stop it from perpetrating acts of the most sick-minded character. Of course, this sounds simple, but in reality, the real issue is simple: TotalFark Council tries to assert its autonomy by attempting to lock people up for reading the "wrong" classes of books or listening to the "wrong" kinds of music. TotalFark Council's rhetorical performances could profitably be deconstructed in a Dishonest Use of Language class, but that's a story for another time. For now, I want to focus on the way that it would be great if all of us could tend to the casualties of its war on sanity. In the end, however, money talks and you-know-what walks. Perhaps that truism also explains why TotalFark Council seems to be involved in a number of illegal or borderline-illegal activities. For it and its understrappers, tax evasion and financial chicanery are scarcely outside the norm. Even financial fraud and thievery seem to be okay. What's next? Fracturing family unity? I can say only that TotalFark Council is addicted to the feeling of power, to the idea of controlling people. Sadly, it has no real concern for the welfare or the destiny of the people it desires to lead. That's our situation today, in very rough outline. Of course, I've left out a thousand details and refinements and qualifications. I've not mentioned that it is past time for us to fight on the battleground of ideas for our inalienable individual rights. And I've ignored commercialism altogether. I've simply pointed out one key fact: TotalFark Council distracts itself with chaotic relationships and shiny material possessions so it can avoid thinking about how only by striving to call for proper disciplinary action against it and its forces can I foster mutual understanding.

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An Official Farkistani Erection Announcement sing-a-long music! ♪ Da-Doo ♪ I was walking in the whole-sale beer district one day... ♪ Shoe-Da-Doo ♪ And I passed by this place with this old Bavarian man ♪ Nein! Da-Doo ♪ He sometimes sells me wierd and exotic brews ♪ Glug-Da-Doo ♪ And because he knows, you see, well that drinking beer is my hobby ♪ Drinkety-Doo ♪ He didn't have anything unusual that day ♪ Nope-Da-Doo ♪ So I was just, just gonna walk on by ♪ Sucks-For-Yooou ♪ When suddenly, and with our warning, there was this ♪ TOTAL-ECLIPSE-OF-THE-SUN! ♪ It got very dark, and there was a strange chugging sound like something from another world! ♪ Da-Doo ♪ When the light came back, every single beer was empty ♪ Oops-E-Doo ♪ Then I saw them, passed out on the floor ♪ Total-Farks ♪ The speaker, one_eighty_two l2eaper beachrat Rampage3 and Kahiel had drank them all. ♪ Shaalalalala-Ooooooo ♪ Bastards didn't even pay! tl;dr New Council: one_eighty_two, Speaker of the Council l2eaper beachrat Rampage3 Kahiel

Thank you fail for the wonderful bounty you have given us!

Is this not already the case?