WEEK ONE RESULTS
Epic Team 34 - 31 Phoenix Rangers
Epic Team premiered a surprisingly in-tune defense to start the gang off with a bang. The Rangers WR corps fumbled twice in two possessions, and Epic Team capitalized by going up 14-0 in the First Quarter. Epic Team built a 31-14 leading into the fourth, but the Phoenix Rangers torched their opponents for 221 yards passing in the fourth, putting their total at 349 for the day. Tied 31-31, Epic Team took advantage of a miscue on special teams and managed to kick a field goal as time ran out.
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Rebel Brutes 17 - 3 The Fighting Commies
The Fighting Commies took the initiative in their first drive and drove down the field for a touchdown. Unfortunately, an offensive pass interference penalty was called and the Commies had to settle for a field goal. Heading into halftime, it was 7-3 in favor of the Rebel Brutes. The defensive struggle continued into the late game, until the Brutes scored on an INT for a touchdown and a late run to seal the game.
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Melbourne Sea Dogs 13 - 14 FC Milan
FC Milan, widely considered defensively inferior, got two late game-saving calls when the Melbourne Sea Dogs scored a tying touchdown with eighteen seconds left. Trailing 13-14 and needing the extra point for overtime, they were called for unsportsmanlike conduct and given a 15-yard penalty. The Melbourne coach exploded on the sideline and another penalty was called, essentially setting up the extra point for a 48 yard field goal. The kick was shanked and FC Milan walked away with a win.
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Moroccan Warriors 21 - 14 Vaule Hammers
The Moroccan Warriors came into this match expected to dominate the relatively weak Vaule offensive line - but barely scraped a win. The Hammers allowed six sacks in their opening game but they also came away with three picks. The Moroccan running game grinded the clock out in a grueling 84-yard, 9:15-spanning drive in the fourth quarter that ended in a game-clinching touchdown.
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Carthage Tigers 3 - Pravus Ingruo Pirates 24
The Carthage Tigers were unable to capitalize on four recovered fumbles against the Pirates, who ran roughshod over the trenches and pretty much took control of the game from the start. Nobody doubted the Pirates were the superior team here, but the Tigers seemingly were unable to mount any sort of offensive stand and fell to the Pirates.
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The Shanghai Tigers being mocked.
Shanghai Tigers 0 - 3 Libyan Death Bringers
The inaugural game for the Shanghai Tigers couldn't get any worse. With an abysmal 133 yards of total offense and two missed field goals, they seemingly couldn't do anything but lose. The Libyan Death Bringers scraped out a win 0-3 with an early field goal. Neither team is expected to last long.
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Arkvoodle Crotches in for the final score.
Lovelady Lions 44 - 45 Arkvoodle Crotches
In a surprisingly offensive game, the two teams combined for an amazing 1231 yards in what some called akin to a Madden simulation. Both QBs lit up the field for 824 of the yards and the running game combined for 307 more against defenses who almost decided not to try. The teams were 0-0 exiting the first quarter, but exploded for 21 points each in the second and third quarters. The Lions got a safety when the Crotches' QB threw the ball away in the end zone, but down 44-42, they trusted their man and drove down the field for a field goal to win the game.
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Triad Knights 10 - 41 Royal Minilla Island Armed Forces
Army ran for 316 yards with two RBs and a scrambling QB and managed to scrape by without a passing game. The Triad Knights put up a hell of a fight but were outplayed where it counts: on the line. Their defensive line allowed holes the size of George Bush's intelligence of Iraq and was unable to get a single touch on the opposing QB. That didn't stop him from being unable to pass, finishing only 4-11 for 24 yards.
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Top Gear Dogs 21 - 35 Italia
The Top Gear Dogs started off fast but Italia kept a better pace. The score is misleading - there is no doubt that Italia dominated the game. They out-yarded the Dogs by 242 yards, forced two INTs and recovered three fumbles and managed to get three sacks on the opposing QB. Despite all of this, they gave up two scores on special teams, a weakness of Italia's.
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Norway Lutefisk Flingers 14 - 11 Californian Prepackaged Microwavable Dinners
In a classic game of X's and O's, the Norway Lutefisk Flingers came away with a win, staving off a late-game comeback by the Californians. Down 14-3, they recovered a fumble in the end zone and went for two, leveling it to 14-11. After recovering the onside kick, the Californians ran the ball 41 yards before attempting three passes in a row, all toughly defended with incompletions. In the end, attempting a 32-yard field goal, the kick was blocked and Norway came away with a victory.
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Arctica Lemurs 17 - 10 Mushroom Magnets
The first quarter was all the action, as the Lemurs came up with some game-changing turnovers but was unable to capitalize on them. The Lemurs and Magnets both battled viciously and left with several minor injuries, but none forced the players to leave the game permanently. The QBs were on target for 74% and 73% for the Lemurs and Magnets, respectively, but garnered a low average yardage. Despite being mistake-free, neither team could mount an offense in the second half and the game ended like it began.
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Turtle Burpers 14 - 31 Calgary Stampeders
What a glorious afternoon. In a day full of late-game field goals and blatant mismatched by others, the Calgary Stampeders were glad to just play a normal game. They coasted over the Turtle Burpers, who played decently with 313 passing yards and 99 rushing. They were unable to pierce the tough Calgary linebacking corps, however, who stampeded all over the QB for three picks and two sacks. Many drives ended in disappointment for the Turtle Burpers, and Calgary came away with a tough win - despite the score.
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Polish Phantoms 21 - 14 Acca Daccan Rangers (OT)
The Phantoms and the Rangers played to a 14-14 score, both teams committing several errors and seemingly trying to gift-wrap the win to their opponents. The Rangers ended up giving it away with a fumble recovered for a TD in overtime, and the Phantoms came away with a shaky win.
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Minnesota Bulldogs 0 - 31 Drakorian Hoplites
The Drakorian Hoplites came away with more than a win in this huge boost to morale and standings. The Bulldogs failed in every facet of the game, givin up special teams gashes, allowing the QB to put on a passing clinic and failing to gain over 200 yards of offense. One particularly memorable mistake by the Bulldogs came when they tipped an errant pass three times and came away with an INT, only to be hit by a receiver and the fumble recovered and ran in for a TD.
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Pittsburgh Randomness 18 - 16 Texas Titans
The Texas Titans and Pittsburgh Randomness both played a defensive matchup, and it came to a safety to win it. Tied 16-16 in the third quarter, the Texas Titans QB was sacked twice in a row and on the two-yard line fumbled the ball. He recovered it in his own end zone but had to take the safety. Pittsburgh put the game away be preventing any Texas comeback.
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Disparu Dratinis 7 - 3 Rumbek Roebucks
The Dratinis and Roebucks both played to a standstill until the 3rd quarter, when the Dratinis escaped with a 75-yard run to go up 7-0. The Roebucks failed to gain another first down for the rest of the game, finishing with only five, all in the first half.
Epic Team 34 - 31 Phoenix Rangers
Epic Team premiered a surprisingly in-tune defense to start the gang off with a bang. The Rangers WR corps fumbled twice in two possessions, and Epic Team capitalized by going up 14-0 in the First Quarter. Epic Team built a 31-14 leading into the fourth, but the Phoenix Rangers torched their opponents for 221 yards passing in the fourth, putting their total at 349 for the day. Tied 31-31, Epic Team took advantage of a miscue on special teams and managed to kick a field goal as time ran out.
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Rebel Brutes 17 - 3 The Fighting Commies
The Fighting Commies took the initiative in their first drive and drove down the field for a touchdown. Unfortunately, an offensive pass interference penalty was called and the Commies had to settle for a field goal. Heading into halftime, it was 7-3 in favor of the Rebel Brutes. The defensive struggle continued into the late game, until the Brutes scored on an INT for a touchdown and a late run to seal the game.
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Melbourne Sea Dogs 13 - 14 FC Milan
FC Milan, widely considered defensively inferior, got two late game-saving calls when the Melbourne Sea Dogs scored a tying touchdown with eighteen seconds left. Trailing 13-14 and needing the extra point for overtime, they were called for unsportsmanlike conduct and given a 15-yard penalty. The Melbourne coach exploded on the sideline and another penalty was called, essentially setting up the extra point for a 48 yard field goal. The kick was shanked and FC Milan walked away with a win.
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Moroccan Warriors 21 - 14 Vaule Hammers
The Moroccan Warriors came into this match expected to dominate the relatively weak Vaule offensive line - but barely scraped a win. The Hammers allowed six sacks in their opening game but they also came away with three picks. The Moroccan running game grinded the clock out in a grueling 84-yard, 9:15-spanning drive in the fourth quarter that ended in a game-clinching touchdown.
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Carthage Tigers 3 - Pravus Ingruo Pirates 24
The Carthage Tigers were unable to capitalize on four recovered fumbles against the Pirates, who ran roughshod over the trenches and pretty much took control of the game from the start. Nobody doubted the Pirates were the superior team here, but the Tigers seemingly were unable to mount any sort of offensive stand and fell to the Pirates.
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The Shanghai Tigers being mocked.
Shanghai Tigers 0 - 3 Libyan Death Bringers
The inaugural game for the Shanghai Tigers couldn't get any worse. With an abysmal 133 yards of total offense and two missed field goals, they seemingly couldn't do anything but lose. The Libyan Death Bringers scraped out a win 0-3 with an early field goal. Neither team is expected to last long.
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Arkvoodle Crotches in for the final score.
Lovelady Lions 44 - 45 Arkvoodle Crotches
In a surprisingly offensive game, the two teams combined for an amazing 1231 yards in what some called akin to a Madden simulation. Both QBs lit up the field for 824 of the yards and the running game combined for 307 more against defenses who almost decided not to try. The teams were 0-0 exiting the first quarter, but exploded for 21 points each in the second and third quarters. The Lions got a safety when the Crotches' QB threw the ball away in the end zone, but down 44-42, they trusted their man and drove down the field for a field goal to win the game.
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Triad Knights 10 - 41 Royal Minilla Island Armed Forces
Army ran for 316 yards with two RBs and a scrambling QB and managed to scrape by without a passing game. The Triad Knights put up a hell of a fight but were outplayed where it counts: on the line. Their defensive line allowed holes the size of George Bush's intelligence of Iraq and was unable to get a single touch on the opposing QB. That didn't stop him from being unable to pass, finishing only 4-11 for 24 yards.
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Top Gear Dogs 21 - 35 Italia
The Top Gear Dogs started off fast but Italia kept a better pace. The score is misleading - there is no doubt that Italia dominated the game. They out-yarded the Dogs by 242 yards, forced two INTs and recovered three fumbles and managed to get three sacks on the opposing QB. Despite all of this, they gave up two scores on special teams, a weakness of Italia's.
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Norway Lutefisk Flingers 14 - 11 Californian Prepackaged Microwavable Dinners
In a classic game of X's and O's, the Norway Lutefisk Flingers came away with a win, staving off a late-game comeback by the Californians. Down 14-3, they recovered a fumble in the end zone and went for two, leveling it to 14-11. After recovering the onside kick, the Californians ran the ball 41 yards before attempting three passes in a row, all toughly defended with incompletions. In the end, attempting a 32-yard field goal, the kick was blocked and Norway came away with a victory.
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Arctica Lemurs 17 - 10 Mushroom Magnets
The first quarter was all the action, as the Lemurs came up with some game-changing turnovers but was unable to capitalize on them. The Lemurs and Magnets both battled viciously and left with several minor injuries, but none forced the players to leave the game permanently. The QBs were on target for 74% and 73% for the Lemurs and Magnets, respectively, but garnered a low average yardage. Despite being mistake-free, neither team could mount an offense in the second half and the game ended like it began.
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Turtle Burpers 14 - 31 Calgary Stampeders
What a glorious afternoon. In a day full of late-game field goals and blatant mismatched by others, the Calgary Stampeders were glad to just play a normal game. They coasted over the Turtle Burpers, who played decently with 313 passing yards and 99 rushing. They were unable to pierce the tough Calgary linebacking corps, however, who stampeded all over the QB for three picks and two sacks. Many drives ended in disappointment for the Turtle Burpers, and Calgary came away with a tough win - despite the score.
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Polish Phantoms 21 - 14 Acca Daccan Rangers (OT)
The Phantoms and the Rangers played to a 14-14 score, both teams committing several errors and seemingly trying to gift-wrap the win to their opponents. The Rangers ended up giving it away with a fumble recovered for a TD in overtime, and the Phantoms came away with a shaky win.
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Minnesota Bulldogs 0 - 31 Drakorian Hoplites
The Drakorian Hoplites came away with more than a win in this huge boost to morale and standings. The Bulldogs failed in every facet of the game, givin up special teams gashes, allowing the QB to put on a passing clinic and failing to gain over 200 yards of offense. One particularly memorable mistake by the Bulldogs came when they tipped an errant pass three times and came away with an INT, only to be hit by a receiver and the fumble recovered and ran in for a TD.
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Pittsburgh Randomness 18 - 16 Texas Titans
The Texas Titans and Pittsburgh Randomness both played a defensive matchup, and it came to a safety to win it. Tied 16-16 in the third quarter, the Texas Titans QB was sacked twice in a row and on the two-yard line fumbled the ball. He recovered it in his own end zone but had to take the safety. Pittsburgh put the game away be preventing any Texas comeback.
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Disparu Dratinis 7 - 3 Rumbek Roebucks
The Dratinis and Roebucks both played to a standstill until the 3rd quarter, when the Dratinis escaped with a 75-yard run to go up 7-0. The Roebucks failed to gain another first down for the rest of the game, finishing with only five, all in the first half.
