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Quite The Serious Memorandum of Utmost Importance and Necessity


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#1 Magnum T. Gundraw

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Posted 12 January 2009 - 03:58 PM

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The Corporation of Serious Business
Balancing Workplace Synergy and Investing in Risky Business Ventures since Mid-2008


They Sent Us the Bomb
My cautionary calculations were all for naught as the shareholders pulled out like so many Maiello investments in Vietnamese brothels. Private resort trips were limited, money bonfires were temporarily banned, and the hot snack machine waitresses were laid off, much to the dismay of one (1) Porksaber. Still, profit fell. We were forced to adapt. We were forced to fight for ourselves.

So we called the government!

Serious Bailout
El Presidente Jose Estupido replied "There will be no financial aid until the Corporation of Serious Business ceases all production of Corporate Item #37251A: 'The Amazing Dildochair 5000!'. This Weapon of Mass Destruction is believed to be harboring Terrirists and is a major danger to the public safety."

So the government denied our request. The Corporation began a downward spiral of almost emo proportions. But then, when we most expected it, we were surprised by the bankruptcy of our automotive company - Suspicious Vans Incorporated. Profits hit an all-time low and, in the name of Serious Business, the Corporation was forced to lay off 3 million employees. The government decided to ask.

El Presidente picked up his big red phone. He dialed a number or seven. Meanwhile, at Serious HQ, the phone rang. It rang once. It rang twice. I picked up the phone.

"Hello," I said.
"Hello, he said!" he said.
"Hello is what I said," I said.
"Hello is what I said, he said!" he said.

I paused briefly.

"No."

I hung up on this strange man with a strangely immense comprehension of the Engrish language. Porksaber walked in.

"What?" he said.
"He said 'Hello, he said'" I said.
He said "..."
"Who was phone?" he asked Jeeves.

Jeeves said "That was Jose Estupido, El Presidente!"
"Mom was phone!" Porksaber said, then shooting Jeeves in the face because he felt like it.

After Much Elle Oh Elle
I redialed Senor Presidente. Meanwhile, at the Opal Office, the phone rang. It rang once. It rang twice. He picked up the phone.

"Hello," he said.
"Hello, he said!" I said.
"I might have a proposition for you gentlemen," the Presidente said.
"Oh, really?" I asked in a rather sarcastic manner completely differentiated from any owl-related macros.
"Yeah, really!" He answers in a serious yet docile tone complete differentiated from any owl-related macros stating "Orly?".
"Spell it out, El Presidente."
"Well, I'd be willing to disregard your Weapons of $@! Destruction... if you would stop being so Serious."
"Gee Senor... that's a mighty big request,"
"Why so serious?"
"No time for a psychopathic, mass murdering, schizophrenic clown with zero empathy." I replied.
"Let's get down to Business then,"
"Serious Business," I added.

A Devious Scheme! The !@#$%^& Traitor Revealed!
Things were going smoothly with the El Presidente. The Corporation of Serious Business was being successful once more. The trillion dollars the government handed over allowed all the Corporate Execs to go on a ski trip for a week or three. Things were good again. Very good. Seriously good.

But then, the money went bye-bye. A number that was high got low. We blamed Isaac Newton, but one businessmen saw more. Jotti looked into our falling cash supply. To his horrendous surprise, his Best Friend Forever and Conjoined Twin Robert was Robbing the Corporation! He dubbed his devious activites the Terri Scheme after the famous thief Charles Terri. Billions were stolen at a time and being sent to some place down South, if you know what I mean.

El Senor Presidente Jose Estupido lost the Presidential election, after seeming to forget it was impossible to run a third term. Taking his place was Barix Ninebama. This communist terror-supporting Muslim and suspected dead baby socialized all business. Thus, we were absorbed into the government. The End.

This has been a
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Announcement


tl;dr?:
We're jammin' it in the ARSE.
Adios!






-Transmission Terminated-
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#2 A Soviet Attack

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Posted 12 January 2009 - 03:59 PM

'twas good to be allied to you. Good luck in ARES ;(

#3 Rafael Nadal

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Posted 12 January 2009 - 04:00 PM

Interesting announcement, like always. :lol: Oh ya, good luck to our treaty partner ARES in containing these personalities.

Edited by Rafael Nadal, 12 January 2009 - 04:05 PM.


#4 MTTezla

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Posted 12 January 2009 - 04:01 PM

I've never in my life been so simultaneously confused and amused.

#5 porksaber

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Posted 12 January 2009 - 04:01 PM

o/ magnum!

i will always remember the CSB and am srsly proud i was in it.

o/CSB
o/MAGNUM T GUNDRAW
o/ARES

#6 Joe Stupid

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Posted 12 January 2009 - 04:01 PM

LOL. Glad to have these guys part of ARES.

#7 Jonathan Archer

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Posted 12 January 2009 - 04:08 PM

does this mean no more awesome announcements? :(

Congrats ARES.

#8 Captain Ian

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Posted 12 January 2009 - 04:09 PM

I've never in my life been so simultaneously confused and amused.


I second this, I had to read it twice, its more amusing the second time, and make a lot more sense

#9 Magnum T. Gundraw

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Posted 12 January 2009 - 04:11 PM

I second this, I had to read it twice, its more amusing the second time, and make a lot more sense

I better read it a second time as well.

#10 porksaber

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Posted 12 January 2009 - 04:11 PM

does this mean no more awesome announcements? :(

Congrats ARES.


ARCHA PLEEZ!!!!

We Gonna have Srs Announcements comin out the ARSE

#11 Schattenmann

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Posted 12 January 2009 - 04:13 PM

Good enough.

#12 QuiteTheUserName

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Posted 12 January 2009 - 04:15 PM

I am sickened, appalled, and most importantly of all, confused, about this announcement.


Good luck? :psy:

#13 Owned-You

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Posted 12 January 2009 - 04:42 PM

I skimmed it and knew what it was when I got to the "Transmission Ended".

Goodluck in ARES Magnum!

#14 Jonathan Archer

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Posted 12 January 2009 - 04:46 PM

ARCHA PLEEZ!!!!

We Gonna have Srs Announcements comin out the ARSE

This is good news. :D

#15 kobiashiy

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Posted 12 January 2009 - 04:57 PM

My head hurts :P

#16 Jestercellion

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Posted 12 January 2009 - 05:00 PM

Good announcement. Good luck to you guys.

#17 Jtkode

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Posted 12 January 2009 - 05:16 PM

hmmm too bad, I loved your flag, make sure Draov and Porkie serve you well.

#18 Newhotness

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Posted 13 January 2009 - 03:18 AM

Ive read it twice and still dont get it :huh:

#19 SandersPacheco

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Posted 13 January 2009 - 10:04 AM

Nooo Magz.... :(

:8bux:

#20 Alfred von Tirpitz

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Posted 13 January 2009 - 12:15 PM

ARES nomed CSB!!!!

figures.

all hail Magnum, the jammer of the ARSE and protector of the Antilulz.

Edited by Alfred von Tirpitz, 13 January 2009 - 12:16 PM.





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