The Corporation of Serious Business
Balancing Workplace Synergy and Investing in Risky Business Ventures since Mid-2008
They Sent Us the Bomb
My cautionary calculations were all for naught as the shareholders pulled out like so many Maiello investments in Vietnamese brothels. Private resort trips were limited, money bonfires were temporarily banned, and the hot snack machine waitresses were laid off, much to the dismay of one (1) Porksaber. Still, profit fell. We were forced to adapt. We were forced to fight for ourselves.
So we called the government!
Serious Bailout
El Presidente Jose Estupido replied "There will be no financial aid until the Corporation of Serious Business ceases all production of Corporate Item #37251A: 'The Amazing Dildochair 5000!'. This Weapon of Mass Destruction is believed to be harboring Terrirists and is a major danger to the public safety."
So the government denied our request. The Corporation began a downward spiral of almost emo proportions. But then, when we most expected it, we were surprised by the bankruptcy of our automotive company - Suspicious Vans Incorporated. Profits hit an all-time low and, in the name of Serious Business, the Corporation was forced to lay off 3 million employees. The government decided to ask.
El Presidente picked up his big red phone. He dialed a number or seven. Meanwhile, at Serious HQ, the phone rang. It rang once. It rang twice. I picked up the phone.
"Hello," I said.
"Hello, he said!" he said.
"Hello is what I said," I said.
"Hello is what I said, he said!" he said.
I paused briefly.
"No."
I hung up on this strange man with a strangely immense comprehension of the Engrish language. Porksaber walked in.
"What?" he said.
"He said 'Hello, he said'" I said.
He said "..."
"Who was phone?" he asked Jeeves.
Jeeves said "That was Jose Estupido, El Presidente!"
"Mom was phone!" Porksaber said, then shooting Jeeves in the face because he felt like it.
After Much Elle Oh Elle
I redialed Senor Presidente. Meanwhile, at the Opal Office, the phone rang. It rang once. It rang twice. He picked up the phone.
"Hello," he said.
"Hello, he said!" I said.
"I might have a proposition for you gentlemen," the Presidente said.
"Oh, really?" I asked in a rather sarcastic manner completely differentiated from any owl-related macros.
"Yeah, really!" He answers in a serious yet docile tone complete differentiated from any owl-related macros stating "Orly?".
"Spell it out, El Presidente."
"Well, I'd be willing to disregard your Weapons of $@! Destruction... if you would stop being so Serious."
"Gee Senor... that's a mighty big request,"
"Why so serious?"
"No time for a psychopathic, mass murdering, schizophrenic clown with zero empathy." I replied.
"Let's get down to Business then,"
"Serious Business," I added.
A Devious Scheme! The !@#$%^& Traitor Revealed!
Things were going smoothly with the El Presidente. The Corporation of Serious Business was being successful once more. The trillion dollars the government handed over allowed all the Corporate Execs to go on a ski trip for a week or three. Things were good again. Very good. Seriously good.
But then, the money went bye-bye. A number that was high got low. We blamed Isaac Newton, but one businessmen saw more. Jotti looked into our falling cash supply. To his horrendous surprise, his Best Friend Forever and Conjoined Twin Robert was Robbing the Corporation! He dubbed his devious activites the Terri Scheme after the famous thief Charles Terri. Billions were stolen at a time and being sent to some place down South, if you know what I mean.
El Senor Presidente Jose Estupido lost the Presidential election, after seeming to forget it was impossible to run a third term. Taking his place was Barix Ninebama. This communist terror-supporting Muslim and suspected dead baby socialized all business. Thus, we were absorbed into the government. The End.
This has been a
Announcement
tl;dr?:
We're jammin' it in the ARSE.
Adios!
-Transmission Terminated-
