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The Corporation of Serious Business
Who are you? Why are you in my office? I believe you have my stapler.
This morning, the Corporation received its first formal complaint. It had been repetitively stapled into the polished wood of my office door. Upon noticing the complaint, my breath still reeking of bitter coffee grinds, I took hold of the paper and proceeded it to pull it from the sanctity of my Certainly Evil Office. The paper, reluctant to loosen its grasp on the door, held fast against my efforts. As I pulled harder at the sheet which documented the first complaint the Corporation of Serious Business had even been given, I began to wonder why it had not been documented properly. Nevertheless, I tugged at the paper. It gave in, tearing as I lifted away the only obstacle to my standard morning routine. Shreding noises filled the hall as, staple by staple, the paper surrendered. Then the opposing metal pins gave way dozens at a time. The paper was finally freed! I took the tattered manuscript into my hands and took out my reading glasses to examine the document of my dismay, ignoring the vast sea of staple holes that dotted it. It read as follows:
Formal Complaint said:
Dear Management,
It has come to our immediate attention that all our previous complaints had not only gone unaddressed but, in fact, had been completely disregarded. Upon further inspection we discovered that the complaint box - that is, the chamber meant to respect the opinions of your loyal employees - does not house the many concerning complaints we have filed, but instead is a shaft designed to lead right into the furnace. We are deeply concerned by this great disrespect on your part. Additionally, we demand that a proper complaint box be established.
Signed,
The Employees
P.S. - We are low on staples.
It has come to our immediate attention that all our previous complaints had not only gone unaddressed but, in fact, had been completely disregarded. Upon further inspection we discovered that the complaint box - that is, the chamber meant to respect the opinions of your loyal employees - does not house the many concerning complaints we have filed, but instead is a shaft designed to lead right into the furnace. We are deeply concerned by this great disrespect on your part. Additionally, we demand that a proper complaint box be established.
Signed,
The Employees
P.S. - We are low on staples.
Upon reading this revelation, my booming laughter filled the halls. I unlocked my door and walked into my office. Ignoring the stacks of paperwork I had meant to assign to some poor, unsuspecting employee, I set to work on a new complaint box. Drawing a fresh blue ballpoint pen from my pocket, I proceeded to create the ultimate solution to house all complaints. I was to quell this unnecessary system immediately.
By noon, the Serious Business Installation Team was here. Within a half hour the new box was established. The Installation Team took brief pride in their work before venturing out of the building to perform some other great feat. A line stood in wait, each clenching a paper in their hands. Some held only one piece, while others held a stack. Others still held a notebook filled with notes of suggestions towards our great Corporation.
The first in the line eagarly made his way toward the new complaint box. It proved to be a simple machine, only possessing a red button and a sign reading "Complaint Box". Almost trembling with anticipation, the first in line pressed the button. He was dissapointed at first when nothing seemed to occur. Soon enough, a mechanical whirring came from inside the machine. A gruesome smile lit up his face. He was ready for a complaint war and would be sure to fire the first shot. He clenched his ink-drinched notebook in his sweaty hand. Everyone in the line stood motionless.
Suddenly, the other side of the hallway descended. The horizontal hallway began to tip vertically, with dozens of employees, taken by surprise, lost their balance and fell backwards. The hallway continued to tilt, becoming more steep. A sweltering heat filled the hallway in seconds and a red-hot flame erupted from the bottom of the now tilding hall. Employee by employee, complainer by complainer; the masses were sucked into the furnace to never give their 'suggestions' ever again.
The hallway stoped tilting, but remained at a steep angle. Only the man who had pressed the button remained. His desperate hands grabbed the end of the hall as he slid to his demise. The fire of the furnace licked at his feet, turning his proud loafers to dust. His sweaty hands were the death of him as his wet hands lost their grip on the continually heating floor. No longer able to support his own weight, the man toppled backwards into the flame. I chuckled gleefully from my high window view of the spectacle.
Anyway, the lesson here is that the Corporation of Serious Business no longer accepts complaints filed in our custom form. All future complaints must be registered through the Red Button method. I suppose it's more of an order and less of a resolution. No matter.
Signed,
The Certainly Evil Officer
On behalf of the Management
tl;dr?:
Happy New Year and don't let Y2K eat your soul.
This post has been edited by Magnum T. Gundraw: 31 December 2008 - 10:17 PM
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