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Posted 02 July 2008 - 02:45 PM
The New Pacific Brigade
We have issues!
WARNING: if you can’t take a joke, go read Golfer’s Digest.
Issue 2:
Shrooms and More-Asriel
The NPB has officially opened our merchandise store named ‘NPB: Shrooms and More’. The Mushroom Kingdom immediately sent somebody over to yell at us claiming ‘We are the only Shrooms in all of CN’. Until the shipment of AK-47s arrives for us to retake the store, all merchandise orders for T-Shirts, mugs, posters, thongs and candy will be put on hold.
Planet Bob’s Congress-Asriel
Just last night I noticed a little thing called the ‘World Congress’. Apparently it really is open to every one, which prompts me to wonder ‘Why the hell doesn’t the NPB have a seat?’ Our investigators are currently looking into it, however the answer to that we may never know.
Kung Fu Pandas, Of Doom-Stagger_Lee
A recent terrorist attack on the Moofia Headquarters by the Pandala Political Party leaves many distraught. As some prominent members of the Moofia party went out to eat dinner, a panda spy infiltrated the headquarters, destroying much of the sacred Moofian documents. Although the spy who's full name will not be revealed; (initials are SJ), he is sentenced to a severe night with Quadrophenia. Although the full extent of the battle is not certain, it may have gone down something like this:
Breaking News!!-Asriel
Mary the Fantabulous said:
Pacifican Military forces have captured twelve FAN agents so far, we are continuing to track the others.
Another ‘Return of the FAN’ update:
Loucifer said:
Police and military forces clashed with the Environmentalist Army today. The EA had attempted to storm a town by a forest, in an attempt to plant more trees, but our brave soldiers and law enforcers held the line. The EA was forced back into its woodland camps by our troops, who now are preparing to launch an assault against the EA’s bases there. Casualties in the battle ran low, the EA’s casualties were mainly in captured Environmentalists. Eighteen EA soldiers were killed in the defense of the town, and seven of our soldiers lost their lives when a highly fuel-efficient car accelerated them in a gas station.
We will be holding ceremonies for their burials in the next few hours, Our prayers are with any others who have seen the destruction the Environmentalist Blitz has brought to our beloved nation.
We will be holding ceremonies for their burials in the next few hours, Our prayers are with any others who have seen the destruction the Environmentalist Blitz has brought to our beloved nation.
His words speak the truth. Figuratively of course. Words talking? That'd be $%&@ed up... Any ways, we'll continue to give you updates about this savage conflict brewing inside Pacifica.
Now for some Sports-Iceman
As many of you know, unless you live under a rock…or are American, Spain won the Euro Cup!! I myself wanted the Netherlands to win…mainly cause I like orange I had a chance to ask a member of NoV how he felt about this victory…although sadly, I couldn’t get a response through the sobbing and mumbles of Germany….Nazi’s cry?!?!...who knew.
In other news… NPO and NpO, to settle their differences decides today to face off in a friendly contest of extreme ironing…Myworld started off in a tree, but Electron Sponge one-upped him by ironing underwater…iron-water...how did he do it? I have no idea. It looked as if ES had this all but clinched until Ivan Moldavi returned to win by ironing while belaying down the front of his 300yard high statue in front of the NpO embassy.
Lastly in this week’s news, the sad departure of treaty of Rangarok and Mushroom Kingdom came from a technicality in the Rock,Paper,Scissors League’s handbook giving a crucial, clinching victory to Van Hoo III over Archon. Although it was called a fair victory…the friendship will never be the same…
Stay tuned for news updates on Extreme Ironing and RPSL championships!
T3h Jag-Asriel
This article is dedicated to JaguarWarrior, a master or spamming and all things spammy. In the previous Issue, Adrian interviewed Jag about his favorite food. We don’t think that we did full justice to said interview, here is the full thing. Enjoy:
Adrian: Hey, Jag. Can I ask you a few questions?
Jag: If this is about Vulcan; I was drunk, I was looking for action. He got lucky.
Adrian: um… no.. actually…. Moving on! What is your favorite food?
Jag: Beans. Or Cheese.
Adrian: If you had to choose between cheese and beans, which would you pick?
Jag: Dirt.
Adrian: I see… what are your hobbies?
Jag: Spamming.
Adrian: Who is your hero?
Jag: Vulcan… he has videogames in his bathroom.
Adrian: And that’s all the time we have! Thanks for your cooperation, Jag!
Jag: I like pandas.
Internal Issues-Asriel
We ask that you all say a little prayer for Deepthinker, who had some burritos last night and has horrible gas. In addition to the gas, his internal issues contain the following: weight gain, hair loss, kidney stones, hypocrisy, stomach pains and diarrhea. Deepthinker has also been affected by a number of illnesses: Old Man Syndrome, Grumpiness, and Anti-Adrian Syndrome. Due to these illnesses Deepthinker has begun the Inquisition of Adrian, and started taking fiber supplements. Although Deepthinker is a trusted friend, taking the name of the famous Brigade Inquisitional Political Party is something that should not be taken lightly. Updates coming.
I’m so lonely-Asriel
This is for all you single people out there. We here at the New Pacific Brigade have a great suggestion, this ahs been helping ugly people getting laid for hundreds of years, give it a try! Beer.
P.S. Congratulations to SeraphimJulius on his recent wedding in Australia.
The NPB Team
Reporter – Adrian_LaCroix
Writers – Lord_Asriel, Stagger_Lee
Editor – Stagger_Lee
Sports – Iceman
Grumpy Old Manager – Deepthinker
Special Thanks to Zurital, Vulcan, SeraphimJulius, JaguarWarrior and everyone else we’ve made fun of so far. You know we really
youFor more information about the New Pacific Brigade, the next issue, or to talk to the guys who made this call our hotline: 1-985-655-2500. We hope you enjoyed this issue, if you didn’t then your dead to us. Copyright 2008.
Remember: You probably didn't hear it here first.
This post has been edited by Lord Asriel: 02 July 2008 - 02:59 PM
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MultiQuote
Yep. Pranksters need not apply.
and I don't have the resource of wine, or the bonus resource of beer.