Survivor 9

You know what I realised the other day?  It's nearly been a whole year since our last edition of Survivor, and that's completely bloody well unacceptable.  It's like Greece going a whole five minutes without a financial meltdown, or Rick Perry getting through a debate without making a gaffe, getting booed at by the crowd, or doing some third thing that I don't feel like thinking of.

COMPLETELY.

BLOODY WELL.

UNACCEPTABLE.

But seriously, next time, someone smack me upside the head before we get anywhere close to this point.  You know why we haven't had any wars?  Because I haven't been making Survivors for you lot to muck around with.  That and you've gotten so used to blue balls due to lack of Survivor that you're scared by actually going through with it.

So, you lot, we're starting one on November 20th.  It will involve the top 90 alliances.  If you're not there, then get there.  Pronto.  And if you spent any time at all looking at the logo, you'll notice the word "tech" horribly re-fonted on there.  Oh yes.  Tech.  Islands of tech.  Whoever wins will go down in history as the most techwhoring alliance that the rest of us tech-deficient wannabe-techwhores have ever seen.

Umbrella, you're welcome.  Don't disappoint.

Here's how it'll work:

• Each round will consist of three "tribes".
• Each tribe will have six alliances each.
• Each round will last a total of five days.
• At the end of five days, whichever tribe has gained the most tech moves on.

Sound simple?  Of course!  Which means it's way too simple for my liking.

You know what would be awesome?  If we made this into a super-authentic Survivor and voted people off the island.  Sadly, I'm not going to organise a vote of the winning tribe to see who gets voted off and flown back to glorious civilization.  So I'll do the next-best thing.

• The bottom two alliances from the winning tribe are thrown into the fire-pits.
• The top alliance from each losing tribe will take their place, and move on to the next round.

So, on November 20th, we'll take 18 alliances - those ranked 73 through 90 - and divide them into three tribes.  Random selection.  Come November 25th, whichever tribe has gained the most tech moves on to the next round.  Except for the bottom two.  We feed them to admin.  The top tech-gainer from each of the two other tribes will take their place.

Round 2.  The winning tribe from round 1, plus alliances ranked 61 through 72 - those twelve additions are randomly sorted into two new tribes.  Rinse.  Repeat.  Until you get up to round 7, and we've included everyone.

How to win?  At the end of round 7, six alliances move on to the championship round.  Same method as before - four from the top tribe, and one from each of the losing tribes.  At that point; every man for himself, and whoever ends up on top after five days gets to rub it in everyone else's faces until they get bored and find something new to gloat about.

For those who want to plan ahead, rounds will take place as follows:

• Round 1 (73 - 90): November 20 - November 25.
• Round 2 (61 - 72): November 25 - November 30.
• Round 3 (49 - 60): November 30 - December 05.
• Round 4 (37 - 48): December 05 - December 10.
• Round 5 (25 - 36): December 10 - December 15.
• Round 6 (13 - 24): December 15 - December 20.
• Round 7 (01 - 12): December 20 - December 25.
• Championship Round: December 25 - December 30.