charles the mallard

[Hereno]

Charles the mallard duck lived with his flock of several dozen mallards. It was winter, so the ducks were all gathered at a small lake in eastern North Carolina, USA.

"Quack. Quack quack."

"Quack!"

"QUACK QUACK!"

Charles was getting agitated. A boy and his family were approaching the lake, and Charles was afraid.

"QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK!"

Charles flew away to the other side of the lake, but watched closely for any sudden movements. Having lost his mother to a ruthless human child, he was determined to not make the same mistake she had. Bread just wasn't worth the risk. He watched with a tear in his eye as the other ducks surveyed the situation and began to eat the bread.

[Hereno]

Charles, annoyed that the boy still existed, decided to do something about it. Fluffing his feathers, he flew over the boy's head and took a big shit on him. Splatting with a vengeance, it covered his hair and flowed like lava down onto his eyes, back, and ears.

"Quack! Quack!" Charles barked in anger, soaring back to his position across the lake as the boy began to cry.

In disgust, he shrieked "I hate ducks!" before running back to the car and abandoning the loaf to the flock.

[Captain Enema]

Chuck the duck hunter wasn't a boy with a loaf of bread. He's got himself a 12 gauge shotgun and a bad attitude for those wascally ducks. After loading up his Winchester with birdshot he goes down to the lake to commence a genocide on all ducks. 

[Hereno]

"Hold on, sport!" the cracker commanded to his son, with love. "Let me get you a towel and we'll go away from this godforsaken lake with these awful ducks!"

"Thank you, Father!"

They abandoned the towel to the ducks, who by now were in a frenzy around the loaf of bread on the shore, and got in the car. It was at this point when Chuck arrived on the scene.

[Captain Enema]

Chuck suddenly felt overwhelmed with the majesty and splendor with the ducks, stripped down naked, and started running around in circles flapping his arms and quacking like a duck. Of course he held onto his 12 gauge, what idiot casts a side a perfectly good working Winchester?

[Hereno]

The child began to laugh when he saw the man flapping around like a duck, but he would soon only be able to watch from the distance as his father had had enough of ducks and duck-behaving men. He started up the car with a grumble, and sped away like he was in a race.

By this time, the ducks had finished eating up the last bits of the bread. A few of them began to stare curiously at the strange man, while the majority of the others joined Charles back in the lake for an after-dinner feather cleaning.

One of the ducks, a bit curious and young, began to approach the man. Twisting his head, he inquired, "Quack?"

[Captain Enema]

Charles just wanted to be free, free from the pain of life, free from the burdens of others trying to force their expectations on him, free from having to conform to things he can't understand, it was a parody really... almost like as if Charles' life was a metaphor for a certain online roleplaying forum. To be free he starts to dance and sing. 

 

"Y M C A.... Y M C A" 

 

And as he shakes his bare booty he ocassionally discharges a shotgun round off in a random direction.