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An Invitation from FAIL


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Having found myself unable to contact any leaders of the Equilibrium Coalition on IRC, I have been forced to resort to more practical means. I would like to invite leaders of the following alliances to the FAIL forum to discuss peace: Molon Labe, AB, GOD, R&R, MHA, Zulu, ENE, Outlaws, DT, Nebula-X, Invicta, Legion, SNAFU, Gremlins, LoSS, FAN, PPO, and UE.

 

I have no desire to fight any of you. I am more than willing to discuss peace with any party interested.

 

- God Emperor Rebel Virginia
 

Update: As of this moment FAIL is now at peace with Anarchy Inc., Argent, Apparatus, TORN, CoJ, NpO, NPL, LSF, Confederatio Aesir, Senguko, NPO, DoG, GDA, RIA, MCXA, TIO, NATO, UCR, NADC, TTK, Fark, GO, CRAP, NEW, DBDH, and Avalanche. Until stated otherwise we are operating under the assumption that hostilities are ongoing with the remaining alliances of the Equilibrium Coalition.
 

Edited by Rebel Virginia
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Attn: FAIL representative to FAIL-eQ Peace Negotiations

<Pinky> as for Fail, Ai no longer see's itself at war with them, should they wish to change that with further declarations, then that is their call
<Ardus> That is unfortunate. I am confident I could have acquired you a large cash settlement.
<Ardus> Nonetheless I will report these findings to the FAIL representative and make my offer evident to another head of your coalition, whenever they should show up.

I will continue to organize proper representation for the resolution of the remaining claims in the coming days, however, it remains for you to accept the AI recognition as a valid settlement of your dispute. I would advise you to accept this settlement, but you may wish to seek outside counsel.
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You might have had luck if you had even visited our IRC channel today... You know, to try and contact them?  :rolleyes:

To be fair I saw RV at several EQ channels today asking for gov.  Gov was nowhere to be found.  They most likely had other things to do in the afternoon on a Wednesday.  I'm sure there is no malicious intent to deny RV access to gov, just bad timing.

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<Ardus> *cluck cluck*
<AlicornBeta[UE]> hey ardus
<Ardus> here chiki-chiki-chiki
<Ardus> ah, you may do well enough
<Ardus> It would appear that Scoots is not responding
<AlicornBeta[UE]> No, responsibility, ew
<AlicornBeta[UE]> she's away for a few days I think Ardus
<Ardus> I am a busy man, so I shall be brief
<AlicornBeta[UE]> Oki doki
<Ardus> I am looking to represent the eQ coalition in its forthcoming negotiations for peace with the alliance known as FAIL.
<Ardus> My offer is humble
<Ardus> Exclusive control of the negotiations and access to the corporate car
<Ardus> In return I can assure you of the highest quality representation in this matter and a settlement satisfactory to your desires
<Ardus> I am professionally barred from promising a "big cash settlement" but Mr. Beta I would like to tell you that, with me, you are guaranteed a big cash settlement.
<Ardus> But as I said, professionally barred, so I couldn't possibly do such a thing.
<Ardus> If you find my offer acceptable, simply assent and I'll get to work on behalf of UE and eQ right away.
<AlicornBeta[UE]> Well, you sound like a dodgy Nigerian 'money lender', but I do know some pretty trustworthy Nigerian money lenders...
<Ardus> I am a well known and highly skilled negotiator, with a record of 6+ years of experience.
<AlicornBeta[UE]> Well I'll discuss it with my gov first if you don't mind, just to be sure
<Ardus> Of course, but I would encourage haste in the matter. I am a busy man and this offer will only stay on the table for so long.
<AlicornBeta[UE]> Ok Ardus, I'll discuss it with them as soon as possible
<AlicornBeta[UE]> So I'm guessing you are getting approval from each EQ alliance leader?
<Ardus> It appears many of them are not at present engaged
<Ardus> As I have the utmost confidence in the cohesion of the coalition, I believe authorization from any one of its leaders should be sufficient to represent the interests of the whole coalition.
<Ardus> But I am a busy man and must admit to some shopping around.
<Ardus> My first inclination was to seek employ from one Brehon of the NPO, but he appears to have retreated to the Emperor's Retreat.
<Ardus> The leadership of AI agreed to settle separately from the coalition.
<Lyra_Heartstrings> You can talk to Farrin, since he's in charge when Brehon is away
<Ardus> Mr. Ferrin is in charge of UE when Emperor Brehon is away, Ms. Heartstrings?
<Lyra_Heartstrings> Of course
<Ardus> Ms. Beta, could you please confirm Ms. Heartstrings representations?
<Ardus> No offense Ms. Heartstrings, but your infatuation with hands is well known and I am concerned that you may be giving the fingered Mr. Ferrin preferrential treatment.
<Ardus> Also I am not sure of your role within Equestria
<AlicornBeta[UE]> I wasn't aware of this I'm afraid, been slightly out of the loop recently but I don't think we have someone else in charge, apart from me and Scoot
<Ardus> Oh my how awkward
<Ardus> I did not intend to reveal discord within your ranks
<AlicornBeta[UE]> Oh no, it's alright, I do a fairly good job of that myself
<AlicornBeta[UE]> Did Lyra mean that Farrin is in charge of NPO while Brehon is away?
<Ardus> I believe my question and her answer were reasonably clear.
<AlicornBeta[UE]> I see, but it's a possibility
<Ardus> You would have to inquire of Ms. Heartstrings.

<Ardus> I am looking for one "Stratephor"
<Ardus> It is my understanding that you are a valid representative for the eQ alliance "Sparta"
* Chimaera raises hand
<Ardus> I wish to speak with you a moment regarding a fine offer
<Monkeydee> it's a scam
* Bassman (IceChat7@7BF352C.5C2DF1CA.42C5BED9.IP) has joined #paradox
* ChanServ gives channel half-operator status to Bassman
<Ardus> I resent that slander, Mr. Dee
<Ardus> Slander and lies.
<Chimaera> Does it involve money and a Nigerian prince?
<Chimaera> Or, for that matter, any prince of sub-Saharan Africa?
* KuzuRyuSen has quit (Connection reset by peer)
<Ardus> No, it involves the provision of my skills as a 6-year experienced, highly successful negotiator in the forthcoming peace negotiations between FAIL and eQ.
* KuzuRyuSen (KRS@coldfront-BA43814E.home3.cgocable.net) has joined #paradox
* ChanServ gives channel operator status to KuzuRyuSen
<Chimaera> I certainly hope that someone of your general competence does not mean to advocate on the behalf of one FAIL.
<Ardus> Of course not.
<Owned-You> Sadly Ardus, the Stratephor has ascended to a plane of existence that we cannot even hope to reach.
<Ardus> That appears to be a common occurrence for the disparate leaders of the coalition known as eQ
<Ardus> Thus the greatness of my offer to represent eQ in these forthcoming peace negotiations with FAIL.
<Chimaera> There is one who could negotiate for eQ
<Ardus> I of course have my demands and absolutely no guarantees whatsoever *cough* but I would prefer to save those matters for the Stratephor himself.
<Chimaera> Styles himself Brehon, tosses out offers his coalition may or may not support with reckless abandon.
<Ardus> Should he happen to return to earth or perhaps RISE AGAIN, I would appreciate his immediate attention.
* Longbowe (Longbowe@Korea.boo) has joined #paradox
* ChanServ gives voice to Longbowe
* SeasonsOfLove[NPO] is now known as SoL|Away
<Ardus> Unfortunately Brehon has retreated to the decadence of the Emperor's Retreat and is not around to authorize my representation
<Ardus> Else I am sure I could have achieved a resolution satisfactory to all by now.
* Saniiraway is now known as Saniiro
<Chimaera> Nothing less than EZI will be acceptable to the denizens of the Cyberverse.
<Chimaera> EZI, of course, refers to "Eh? ZI"
<Ardus> A common but misguided sentiment.
<Owned-You> It is said that one day the Stratephor will once more rise from the swamps of Greece to lead Sparta to it's vaunted Pyyric Victory. Until that day however, we can do nothing but wait.
<Ardus> I have the utmost confidence in my own abilities to adjudge the desires of the coalition known as eQ and will require exclusivity in the matter
<Owned-You> It is my hope that one of the lesser Spartan lords may find a just resolution in this matter, so that FAIl may return to their fields and farms, in peace.
<Ardus> I am led to believe that the Stratephor is the only individual capable of authorizing Spartan action of this magnatude
* Tick1| has quit (Ping timeout)
<Owned-You> I believe there are emergency articles written that the Spartans can evoke in order to handle such actions. Albeit, the conveying of such a moot has not occurred in hundreds of years...ever since the Stratephors ascension in fact.
<Chimaera> A Strat-moot?
* Ecnelis has quit (Quit: )
<Ardus> one would have to be drowned and returned to consider such an idea anything less than madness, Mr. You, with all do respect
<Chimaera> What you are asking for is simply unthinkable. Such a meeting would require stirrings of Spartan members which have not stirred in hundreds of updates.
* Ardus sighs
<Ardus> The difficulty in locating the representatives of the component alliances of eQ only emphasizes their need for my services.

<Ardus> Misters DeathAdder and Yerushalayim
<Yerushalayim> Shalom Ardus.
<Ardus> I have been informed that in the absence of the Stratephor you may be authorized to enter Sparta into contracts on behalf of your alliance; is this correct?
<Yerushalayim> <_< Sure.
<Ardus> Excellent.
<Ardus> I am Ardus Dolomus Cadogan the First. I am a skilled negotiator with 6+ years of experience in the field. You may know me from such wars as Great War III and DH-NPO.
<McHeiSty> Go on
<Ardus> I would like to offer my services to the coalition known as eQ in the forthcoming peace negotiations with the alliance known as "FAIL"
<Dolphin> Interesting proposition
<Dolphin> What's the catch?
<Yerushalayim> =P Seems to me that any issues between Rebel Virginia and NPO should be addressed to Pacifica, not to Sparta.
<Ardus> In exchange for granting me exclusive representation of eQ and the power to enter into a peace settlement with FAIL on its behalf, as well as access to the the company car, I can promise a satisfactory resolution to your outstanding dispute with FAIL.
<Ardus> I am, of course, professionally barred from promising you a "big cash settlement." However, Mr. Yerushalayim, I would like to promise you a big cash settlement.
<Ardus> But I cannot as I am professionally barred *cough*.
<Yerushalayim> D= Now that's just cruel. Dangling the bait of cash before a Jew.
<Dolphin> No
<Dolphin> You will not gain access to the company car
<Ardus> This humble goy intended no anti-semitism in the offer, Mr. Yeru. It is my understanding that all peoples, save one human girl cornered by an American comedian, enjoy the prospect of additional cash.
<Ardus> I have the utmost confidence in the cohesion of the coalition known as eQ, and would be satisfied that the assent of one of its component leaders would be worth the weight of the assent of all of its component leaders.
<Dolphin> DO YOU WANT 50% MORE CASH?
<Ardus> And upon your agreement to my terms, I can get to work right away.
<McHeiSty> Ardus
<Ardus> Mr. McHeiSty
<McHeiSty> I want to sex you
<Ardus> I am sorry sir but I am professionally discouraged from intercourse with prospective clients.
<Dolphin> Ardus
<Ardus> Mr. Dolphin
<DeathAdder> He has no wars, and is in pussymode, so, this is clearly just a troll.
<DeathAdder> :v
<McHeiSty> Remember this song from the ipod commercial [LINK REDACTED]
<Dolphin> I want to anally assault you
<McHeiSty> Its amazing to listen to when high
<McHeiSty> [LINK REDACTED]
<DeathAdder> Pretty bad one, at than.
<DeathAdder> that*
* Dealmaster13 (ol.allbles@coldfront-F854CCA4.nat.csx.cam.ac.uk) has joined #cnsparta
<Dolphin> Again
<Dolphin> Ardus
<Dolphin> I want to anally assault you
<McHeiSty> [LINK REDACTED]
<McHeiSty> DOlphin
<Ardus> As evidenced by numerous parties to the preceding war, the broad or even all-encompassing use of peace mode is not exclusive with a state of war.
<Yerushalayim> Of course it's just a troll DA. =P But Ardus usually has some good posts and stuff, so I wanted to see it through.
<DeathAdder> Meh. As you wish.
<Dolphin> Ardus
<Ardus> The alliance FAIL has indicated its desire to settle the dispute between your coalition and itself. I believe I can simplify the process and achieve a greater settlement on your behalf than did whomever last represented your coalition.
<Dolphin> Please prepare your [HINDQUARTERS] for immediate penetration
<Ardus> I must encourage you to be quick, however. I am a busy man and this offer cannot stay on the table forever.
<DeathAdder> Cool. Have him or you go to AI or NATO. Whom he actually fought.
<Great_Guzzlewump> Cool. Have him or you go to AI or NATO. Butt he buttally fought.
<Ardus> FAIL has recognized dispute with the whole of the coalition known as eQ, but AI has already settled its claims separately.
* Dolphin is now known as Dolphin[NATO]
<Ardus> Though I made my good offer to them, they were feeling charitable.
* WarGod0001 has quit (Quit: And... I'm off!!!! o/ Polaris)
<Ardus> And sought to dismiss their own claims.
<DeathAdder> That's great.
<Dolphin[NATO]> Ardus
<Ardus> I do not understand why anybody would pass up on a big cash settlement.
<Dolphin[NATO]> You're a [HAM TACO]
<Ardus> Mr. Dolphin that is extraordinarily rude.
<Dolphin[NATO]> Are you mad?
<Ardus> No, Mr. Dolphin, as I have previously indicated I wake in the morning to a preponderance of joy and sustain it throughout all my days.
<Dolphin[NATO]> Does that attribute to your [SIMILARITY TO A HAM TACO]?
<Ardus> My goodness, Mr. Dolphin, behave yourself.
* DeathAdder gets popcorn.
<DeathAdder> See, this is entertaining, Yeru.
<JayR95> Excuse me, what is going on in my channel?
<Yerushalayim> Just a troll being yelled at Jay.
<Dolphin[NATO]> Ardus, have you prepared your [HINDQUARTERS] for a seige never before seen
<DeathAdder> Ardus trying to troll us.
<Yerushalayim> It's cool. Just sit back and relax.
* bombuator (Mibbit@coldfront-76C3540.sdf.bellsouth.net) has joined #cnsparta
<Ardus> I assure you this is no troll, this is an excellent offer on the verge of passing.
* ChanServ gives channel operator status to bombuator
<Dolphin[NATO]> I will rip your [HINDQUARTERS] to shreds
<JayR95> It's okay, bombuator, it's just ardus.
<BrianBlessedIsGod[Sparta]> frick
<Dolphin[NATO]> You will bleed, my fellow [HAM TACO]
<Great_Guzzlewump> It's okay, buttor, it's just ardus.
<bombuator> I figured
<Ardus> But if you cannot see its value, I will take it to another party.
<Yerushalayim> =P Ardus, Sparta doesn't care about RV. Whatever NPO wants to do with him is their business. Go talk to them.
<DeathAdder> Right. An offer to cease hostilities which doesn't exist, for someone who doesn't matter.
<Ardus> Perhaps one of greater civil capacities.
<Great_Guzzlewump> =P Buttdus, Sparta doesn't care about RV. Whatever NPO wants to do with him is their business. Go talk to butt
<Dolphin[NATO]> Ardus
<Dolphin[NATO]> Ardus
* Yerushalayim sets ban on *!*@coldfront-D79B566F.members.linode.com
<Dolphin[NATO]> Ardus
* Yerushalayim has kicked Great_Guzzlewump from #cnsparta (Yerushalayim)
<BrianBlessedIsGod[Sparta]> was hoping to kick bomb before he identified :(
<bombuator> [LADY DOG] stfu
<Ardus> The delegation of authority to NPO is a surprisingly common occurrence, I have found in the course of making my offers.
<BrianBlessedIsGod[Sparta]> no u
<Dolphin[NATO]> Ardus - here comes the choo choo train
<Yerushalayim> In seriousness, it's NPO's peace. Let them handle the trolling that comes with it.
<Dolphin[NATO]> Bite the pillow, I'm going in dry
<Ardus> Though Brehon has escaped to the Emperor's Retreat, I shall endeavor to find one of their junior representatives.
<Ardus> Good day, sirs.
<Dolphin[NATO]> Bye [HAM TACO]
<Yerushalayim> Salaam Ardus.
* Dolphin[NATO] anally [PERFORMS NONCONSENTUAL SEXUAL INTERCOURSE UPON] Ardus
<Dolphin[NATO]> SODOMY [LADY DOG]
* McHeiSty anally [PERFORMS NONCONSENTUAL SEXUAL INTERCOURSE UPON] Ardus
<McHeiSty> Sodomy sandwhich

I apologize for the extraordinary time it is taking to organize the coalition known as eQ under the auspices of my representation. It is an inevitable outcome, given the generosity of my offer, but thus far I have met some degree of confusion and, in one case, unspeakable sexual barbarism.

I am, however, undeterred. Edited by Ardus
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In the interests of keeping things readable, I have edited out some of the less immediately relevant logs. I apologize for any displeasure this may cause.

<Ardus> I am seeking the highest ranking presently available representative of your alliance.
<Caliph> ^
<Ardus> I am aware that Mr. Brehon has absconded to the Emperor's Retreat, and Mr. Farrin, who has otherwise been suggested as an authority, appears to be asleep.
<dane0[NG]> DILBER
<Caliph> Faroah|Away: ? sleeping? blasphemy
<Caladin> Yeh, Dilber is probably the best person to talk too
<WANA> Ardus, bug anyone with sops.
<Ardus> I am afraid that using my current client I can only see colors.
<WANA> If you're looking for someone from MA speak to Jesse
<WANA> If you're looking for someone from FA talk to LordValleo or Jrenster
<Ardus> It would appear that Misters Jesse, Jrenster, Letum, LordValleo, and Red are of equal rank
<WANA> If it's anything in between Red or Letum[NPO] should be able to handle it.
<Ardus> And there are simply too many from which to choose
<Jrenster> is this about FAIL
<Jrenster> and rv
* iamthey (iamthey@73B8C828.3B4ECB.81C1623B.IP) has left #nsa (Left all channels)
<Letum[NPO]> If you are here for business speak to Jrenster, if you are here for pleasure query me
<WANA> Don't do it Ardus, he'll lock you up in his dungeon.
<CA[NPL]> lol
<dane0[NG]> Ardus don't listen to them. I am highest ranking NPO official here
<Ardus> Why yes, Mr. Jrenster.
<Ardus> If I may introduce myself.
<Ardus> I am Ardus Dolomus Cadogan I. I am a highly skilled negotiator with over six years of experience.
<Ardus> It has come to my attention that the alliance known as FAIL is seeking a settlement of its dispute with the coalition known as eQ
<Ardus> Given the considerable size of this coalition, I would like to simplify and improve the process by offering my considerable skill as a negotiator on its behalf.
<WANA> DaneO is our viceroy
<Jrenster> sigh. if i have to play along; RV is not on our target lists nor is his alliance. we're not at war with him
<Ardus> My gracious.
<Ardus> I must of course inquire--do you speak on behalf of the Order or eQ as a whole?
<Ardus> My previous interactions with various components lead me to believe that the two voices are really one in the same.
<Jrenster> just NPO
<Ardus> Are you sure you wish to settle without my services? I am professionally barred from promising a "big cash settlement" but...
<IYIyTh[Ai]> rebel virginia and ardus
<IYIyTh[Ai]> what could go wrong
<Caliph> ^
<Caliph> nothing
<Caliph> thats what
* CA[NPL] gets popcorn
<Jrenster> i dont know ardus but if you want to give me your tech, i always like free tech!
<Ardus> Alas I may find use for it in the future, but I do have a security interest in some 100 tech owed to me by one RandomInterrupt
<Ardus> if you might be interested in purchasing said note from me
<Ardus> It is a little aged, admittedly
<Red> what is this, I don't even?
<Ardus> But still a binding agreement.
<Jrenster> sounds like a scam
<Red> But its from Ardus, so it's a highly skilled scam. :P
<Ardus> I resent that Slander, Mr. Jrenster.
<Jrenster> how am i to believe the integrity of this bond
<Ardus> It is no scam
<Ardus> It is a legally binding obligation on behalf of one RandomInterrupt that may or may not be in need of aggressive claims recovery.
* olaf[NPO] (Wilhelm_vo@coldfront-98BB720B.b-ras1.prp.dublin.eircom.net) has joined #nsa
<Ardus> My national slogan has immortalized the note in state history.
<Red> So... you want us to be your collection agency
<Ardus> Ever since the initial $3 million of the tech deal was accepted by Mr. Interrupt.
<Red> and sell us your tech note for pennies on the dollar
<Jrenster> have you a legal document to present to me that confirms the veracity of your statements?
<Ardus> The oral SI was recorded in my nation's slogan
<Ardus> There is no higher form of record
<Ardus> It has remained there for years
<Red> lol
<Ardus> But this is all a distraction from the more pressing matter.
<Stewie[ng]> Ardus: I for one will be enforcing said obligation
<Stewie[ng]> I will buy your note for a figure no more than.. 0
<Ardus> That is highway robbery Mr. Stewie and I will have none of it.
<Jrenster> i simply cannot match stewie's offer
<Jrenster> i must yield to him
<Stewie[ng]> Ardus: I shall raid it from you
<Ardus> In any event, it appears you are willing to settle separately from the coalition with Mr. Virginia of FAIL.
<Ardus> I will report this occurrence, no doubt fortuitous to him.
<Ardus> Thank you gentlemen for your time.

I will continue to organize proper representation for the resolution of the remaining claims in the coming days, however, it remains for you to accept the NPO recognition as a valid settlement of your dispute. I would advise you to accept this settlement, but you may wish to seek outside counsel.
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To be fair I saw RV at several EQ channels today asking for gov.  Gov was nowhere to be found.  They most likely had other things to do in the afternoon on a Wednesday.  I'm sure there is no malicious intent to deny RV access to gov, just bad timing.

Additionally my time is also extremely limited. I therefore figured that a forum would allow for all parties to talk at their convenience.

 

 

Giving us three minutes to respond to you is totally a fair way of doing things.

I gave you the three minutes I had at the moment. I have stated many times before that my time is limited. I am shocked that I even had those three minutes today. I thought it would have to wait until next week.

Edited by Rebel Virginia
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Considering we never really considered ourselves at war with FAIL and the global war is over, you can consider peace granted from Confederatio Aesir if any blanket DoWs you might of done gave you the impression we were at war.

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I am truly sorry for the bother, but I cannot stop until I am certain I am at peace wit all alliances mentioned. I do wish I did not have to do this, I could do so many other things with this time, but a failure to do so would be devastating. Many of you have grudges against me, and unless given a formal notice of peace I am at great risk.

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