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Good evening, With the disband of Screaming Red Asses/Stripes and the conclusion of the United Republic of Nations, we had options, but the one that seemed best was a hostile takeover. I have been given the distinct honor and pleasure of introducing to you the new and improved Pirates of the Parrot Order. We wrote a new charter: This is the clean version, as Gowfanatic thought I shouldn't tell anybody who doesn't like it to go $%&@ themselves... Pirates of the Parrot Order: Where there is Unity, there is Victory. On this day, 31 October 2015, I hereby announce the first government of the new and improved Pirates of the Parrot Order: The Admiralty Lurunin Manussa Xanth Commander of War SpliceVW Commander of Internal Affairs ChairmanHal Commander of Foreign Affairs Gowfanatic Commander of Recruitment Jraison Commander of Information Smurthwaite Take notice, ye land lubbin bastards, for we seek to plunder yer riches and have our way with yer women, and we declare these seas to be ours and all who sail upon the do so at yer peril. Take second notice, as the first act of this here bunch of scurvy dogs is the notify all diplomats and foreign government types who have dropped anchors in our waters that we shall pillage, loot, ransack, lay waste to, devastate, and ravage any vessel with no crew. Ye who have not dropped anchor can find harbor in our port. We can be hailed in #ppo. [spoiler]What's a horny pirate's worst nightmare? A sunken chest with no booty![/spoiler]
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If there's one things Farkers know, it's how to make high-quality, intoxicating beverages. Traditional Farkistani mixes are often complicated, requiring many bottles of liquor and beer mixed with bizarre ingredients (zebra milk). After a heated debate, it was decided that we should share the TotalFarkers Choice Recipe List, in an effort to help Bob understand us better get drunk. Drink #1 - The NSFW - Our Blessed Saint of Booze, Our Blessed Saint of Booze, Our Blessed Saint of Booze, Smontag Ingredients: 1 oz. cheap vodka, 1 oz. good vodka, 1/2 oz. rum, 1/2 oz whiskey, 1 oz. flat 7-up, 3 oz. Warm Stale Beer, Last 2 frost-covered ice cubes from icebox History/Mixing: Also known as the "Crap I forgot to buy booze, let's see what's left in all these bottles." This ancient recipe is instinctively known to all true Farkers and has been handed down for generations. Mix all the ingredients together in a plastic cup or dirty beer mug. Sip gingerly and gag before exclaiming "Fark it!" and swallowing the whole mess in one gulp. Drink #2 - The Decide R Inchief Ingredients: Vinegar, Water History/Mixing: The perfect drink to order for that !@#$% at the end of the bar. Mix ingredients in a tube, insert into your mouth, and swish. Leaves you feeling fresh and clean-smelling, like a summer's eve. Drink #3 - The BozDaBoz Ingredients: 1 scoop vanilla ice cream, 3 oz. bourbon, 1 oz. amaretto, 6 oz. coca-cola, 1 maraschino cherry History/Mixing: Relaxing on a quiet Sunday evening? Why do it sober?? Put the ice-cream scoop and coke into a large mug, add in the bourbon and amaretto. Garnish with the cherry. This sweet, sweet ice cream treat was invented by a caring Farkistani mother who needed a way to make sure her kids were getting enough bourbon. (Bourbon makes you grow up big and strong!) Drink #4 - The 182 Ingredients: 2 oz. whiskey, 2 oz. goldschlager, 4 oz. Imitation GOON blood, 8 oz. black coffee History/Mixing: This was the favored morning wake-up drink for the Farkistani military during the Holy War. Invented by 182, this drink combines the sweet tastes of home with the bitter, dirty, sewage-smelling imitation Goonblood to wake Farkers up, as well as remind them why they fight. Drink #5 - The Bionic Redhead Ingredients: 36 oz. cold beer, 36 oz. cold beer, 36 oz. cold beer, 1 Liter of Tequila, 1 pair leopard-print panties, 6 extra strength tylenol History/Mixing: Drink the cold beers one at a time, within the span of 2 hours. Start drinking tequila. Wake up with leopard print panties on your floor. Eat the tylenol and go back to sleep. Many Farkers can regale you with stories of performing this ritual. The drink gets its name from the rumors that, while inebriated, Bionic Redhead visits you and leaves his panties behind as a reminder of the viscious sodomy you received. Drink #6 - Submitter 905's hangover to hell express Ingredients: 1 bottle Pepto-bismol, 2 alka seltzer, 1 oz. Gold Tequila, 4 oz. flat beer History/Mixing: A legendary mixmaster dreamed up this abhorrent mixture after suffering from a hangover for 6 weeks straight. One of the more famous Farkistani beverages, this preparation has even made a movie cameo! Mix the beer and pepto in a tall plastic cup. Drop in the alka seltzer and immediately afterwards, drop in the shot of Tequila. Chug as fast as you can. 3oz of insubordination may be substituted for beer if Cable is in office. Drink #7 - one_eighty_two's the Squirrel Ingredients: 3 oz. 12-year-old scotch, 1 oz. Mr Vicarious' Pecan Schnapps, 1/4 oz. Stoli Brand RageQuit hotsauce History/Mixing: The main ingredients of this dish remind foreigners that Farkers 1. Drink, 2. Can be sweet and friendly, and 3. Will burn your ass if you screw with us. Stir the scotch and schnapps together in a small glass with ice. Stick your finger in the hotsauce. Take small sips of the scotch-schnapps mixture, then rub the hotsauce in your eyes. Drinks Index: TF Council: Our Blessed Saint of Booze, Our Blessed Saint of Booze, Our Blessed Saint of Booze, Smontag - Speaker of the Council Decide R Inchief BozDaBoz one_eighty_two Bionic Redhead Subby: 905 Squirrel: one_eighty_two
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Quarterly Report Information Financial Information ASSETS, August 6, 2015 Strength: 7,386,070 Avg. Strength: 63,129 Member States: 117 Score: 29.62 Infrastructure: 807,837 Technology: 795,526 Nuclear Weapons: 1,807 Significant changes of items in the financial statements, previous quarter (May to August 2015) Strength: +28.0% (5,771,588 to 7,386,070) Avg. Strength: +15.9% (54,449 to 63,129) Score: +27.1% (23.30 to 29.62) Infra/Tech Ratio: -0.211 (1.226 to 1.015) Nuclear Weapons: +30.0% (1,390 to 1,807) Notable Highlights Sanction Status: ACHIEVED. Election of Devilyn Caster as Universal Exports representative. Peak internal trade achieved; New external partners required for further growth. Teapotism secured through general election; Theocratic conversion initiated. Share prices remained high and avoided hostile takeover by aggressive entities. Universal Exports Contacts Gibsonator21, M Stagger Lee, M Mergerberger, 001 Charles Stuart, 002 Scipio Africanus, 003 Chimaera, 004 Shurukian, 005 James Bond, 007
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On January 6, 2006, a world was created. We called it "Bob" or "CN". It grew by leaps and bounds. That was before the virus. The Penale Culus virus was a deadly disease that caused intense boredom, loss of interest in maintaining a nation, lackluster coding, and feelings of hopelessness about the future. Thousands of nations were destroyed. Thousands more were lost to inactivity. With so few left, only the most stubborn would remain to survive, to lead... I am Farkend One of the last few survivors awoke in a hung-over stupor, as he had every day since he turned 21. He gargled with some warm, stale beer and dutifully trudged to the radio. The radio broadcast went out, as it did every day: "My name is 905. I am a survivor living in Planet Bob. I am broadcasting on all OWF frequencies. I will be drunk at the Fark Street Bar everyday at mid-day, when the sun is highest in the sky. If you are out there... if anyone is out there... I can provide beer, I can provide bacon, I can provide boobies. If there's anybody out there... anybody... please. You are not alone." The weeks were getting longer. Nations disappearing forever at an alarming rate. How soon before the whole world just vanished? A few days later, a response came back: "This is Our Blessed Saint of Booze, Smontag. I am the leader of a small band of survivors. Two of them, Slick Johnson and beachrat, were bitten by a heard of goats infected by Penale Culus and need your help! The group has been scavenging for supplies from a local liquor store. Decide R Inchief wants us to leave the rest of the group and head for new pastures. We need a more reliable source of booze! We heard your message. Can you help us?" Unfortunately for them, 905 was too busy trying to score with a mannequin that he'd been chatting up for the last month. Everyone gets lonely sometimes, you know? So the other survivors all died horrible, screaming deaths in the CN wastelands alone. But there is a happy ending though: the mannequin eventually put out. Oh, and somebody maybe found a cure or something. Whatever. 10 years later A monument is erected. The statue is of a broad-shouldered man holding a bottle of scotch and looking with disgust and disapproval at another man who is having relations with a goat. The plaque on the monument reads: "In 2014, a deadly virus burned through our civilization, pushing CN to the edge of extinction. Dr. One Eighty Two dedicated his life to the discovery of a cure and the restoration of humanity, but ended up just drinking a lot and watching porn. On June 1st, 2015, at approximately 12:00 A.M., he joined the Fark gov lineup. At 8:52 A.M., he woke up and realized his mistake. Everyone we knew and cared about has left the planet. Why the hell are we still here? We are their legacy. This is their legend. Light up the darkness." tl;dr Fark gov lineup: Submitter: 905 Squirrel: One Eighty Two Speaker of the Council: Our Blessed Saint of Booze, Smontag TF Council: Slick Johnson beachrat Decide R Inchief 182
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Green Protection Agency Autumn/March-May Government Line-up Greetings Planet Bob, In light of our recent elections, without further ado, I proudly present the new GPA government line-up for our autumn term: Executive: President: Imperator Vice-President: Belisarius Cabinet: Minister of Internal Affairs: grossman Minister of Defense: Jeric Minister of Foreign Affairs: benfinan Minister of Economics: Jumperbeast13 Minister of Membership Compliance: Ennui Directors: Director of the Academy: probablamenteno Director of Communications: Lunan Director of Human Resources: The Thing Congratulations to everyone who was elected and all those who ran for office. :D
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BEGIN TRANSMISSION: Date: Feb 7 2014 Time: 18:00 BST Security Log, Nove Mesto Business Facility - Prague, Czech Republic *REDACTED*: M doesn't really mind you making some money on the side, Salajol, she'd just prefer it if it wasn't selling secrets. Salajol: If the theatrics are supposed to scare me, you have the wrong man, *REDACTED*. If M was so sure I was bent, she would've sent a 00. Benefits of being section chief, I'd know if anyone had been promoted to 00 status, wouldn't I? Your file shows no kills, and it takes... *REDACTED*: Two. Salajol: Shame. We barely got to know one another. An audible click is heard - a dry fire of a pistol. *REDACTED*: I know where you keep your gun... suppose that's something. Salajol: True...how did he die? *REDACTED* Your contact? Not well. Salajol: Made you feel it, did he? Well, you needn't worry. The second is - Gunshot, from a silenced PP7. Audible noise of body falling over. *REDACTED*: Yes...considerably. *End of log.* [spoiler] Chimaera, M salsabeast1, M Kerschbs, 001 (FA) Gibsonator21, 002 (War) Roy Mustang, 003 (IA) Gopherbashi, 004 (Econ) Devilyn Caster, 005 (FA) *REDACTED*, 007 [/spoiler] END TRANSMISSION.
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Greetings believers, friends, and heretics, Now that we've returned to a state of peacefulness & enhanced laziness from our previous state of cactus killer machine. Like so... --> ...I come before you all today for a most sanctimonious announcement. We are here to announce the most amazing and ever changing elder tribesman of the great Florida Cactus Alliance. In a most shocking turn of events and a general show of apathy and approval towards the current state of the insanity in the Random Insanity Alliance every single incumbent was re-elected without even a challenger. Thus, as per tradition, we made up random objects for everyone to run and lose against. For Triumvir, we saw im317 (the incumbent) go against a cat. Running on the platform of ending dog privilege in the alliance, the cat won with 57.1% of the vote. For Head of Recruitment, in the most official election of dester55 (the incumbent) vs. a llama (the challenger), we saw the llama win a landslide 66.7% of the voe. For Head of Foreign Affairs, brian (the incumbent) completely forgot to announce his intention to re-run so the government was forced to do some paperwork and choose him for the position. For Head of Economics, we (surprisenly) saw cctmsp13 trimpuh over the Rainbow Sheep () with 55.6% of the vote. This shows his popularly as Viceroy of the RIA for the past several years in that he is able to even overcome the mighty Rainbow Sheep. For Head of Military Operations, we saw biofantic (the incumbent) face off against the dancing banana () and the dancing banana with guns (). In a not so shocking twist the dancing banana with guns won with 50% of the votes. For Head of Internal Affairs, we saw Croix (the incumbent) face off against Cool Spot (). Cool Spot was able to come ahead with 57.1%. For Captain Planet, we saw a close race between Leo, Moth, and Shadow with Moth & Shadow tying with 37.5% each. Thus both become joint Captain Planet for the next two months. Additionally, we also had elections for the im317, Moth, and Shadow of the alliance in which Leo, Shadow, and Moth won respectively. Don't worry, we don't even know what that means either. Thus our government continues being run by emoticons and remains as follows: Triumvirate XII: im317 - Ogaden - Shadow Cabinet XCVII: Head of Economics: cctmsp13 Head of Foreign Affairs: Brian Head of Internal Affairs: Croix Head of Military Operations: biofantic Head of Recruitment: dester55 Special Advisiors 47 & 48th Captain Planets: Joint Moth & Shadow Cactus Emeritus Agent Lemon Delta1212 Hyperonic Moth Shadow Slayer Thunder Strike Floridian Tribal Elder Apophis775 Jenne God Emperor Shadow Queen aithne Prince of Darkness Jenne Viceroy cctmsp13 Leo Hyperonic im317 Leo Moth Shadow Shadow Moth tl;dr free bacon at http://rialliance.net/index.php
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Green Protection Agency Winter/December-February Government Line-up Greetings Planet Bob, In light of our recent elections, without further ado, I proudly present the new GPA government line-up for our winter term: Executive: President: Printer635 Vice-President: Belisarius Cabinet: Minister of Defense: Arrnea Minister of Economics: Evangeline Anovilis Minister of Foreign Affairs: Imperator Honorius Minister of Internal Affairs: kiasnicks (aka Snicks) Minister of Membership Compliance: Jai Sevi Directors: Director of Communications: williams (aka Willems) Director of Human Resources: Lunan Director of the Academy: Lego2build Congratulations to everyone who was elected and all those who ran for office. :D -
Greetings believers and heretics, The Holy Realm of the Cactuar - the Random Insanity Alliance - is pleased to announce our newest government . You may find it very similar to the old government but we assure you that elections were conducted in a fair and democratic manner. For the position of Triumvir was up for election. Shadow announced his intention to re-run and he easily won re-election with 100% of the votes. There were some whispers of it being rigged after some noticed that all 5 options on the poll were in fact all Shadow. Thus Shadow is re-elected to serve his 13th 6th month term. Shadow has served as Triumvir for over 5 years now - since August 10, 2008. For Head of Foreign Affairs, we had a race between robot & creator with RIA FA Bot running against brian. RIA FA Bot is RIA's irc chat bot that hangs out in #RIA. He was elected as HoFA with 84.6% of the votes to brian's 15.4%. brian will likely continue to represent him as HoFA as RIA FA Bot is a bot. For Head of Internal Affairs, we saw a penguin running against Croix. Croix was harshly defeated by the penguin who won with 66.7% of the vote. As the penguin soon ran off and cannot perform his duties, it was decided that Croix may retain the position. For Head of Economics this term, nobody filed their forms to run in time so the election gave two options of 're-electe Mogar anyway' which won with 70% of the votes and 'draft someone else' which lost with 30% of the votes. Thus either Mogar will be re-elected if he feels like it or cctmsp13, Viceroy and one of the longest serving and best HoEs in the RIA, announced he'd be willing to re-take the position. Thus one of them will be HoE once we get around to figuring it out. For Head of Recruitment, was saw a herd of llamas defeat dester with 69.2% of the votes. However, they were disqualified due to not being a individual but a herd. We hope the members of the herd decide to participate in future elections individually For Head of Military Operations, we were too distracted by the ongoing war that we actually completely forgot to hold an election for it. However as the only one who ran was biofantic, he'll be re-elected automatically. For Captain Planet, we saw a race between Baldr and Meatkin Pie. Baldr was elected with 76.9% of the vote. He gained popularity due to the Baldr War and the environmental protection gained from the destruction of technology which occurred from the EMP Nuclear Attacks that occurred and continue to occur between the Random Insanity Alliance and the silly Doombirds. We also saw the election for a new advisor position. aithne announced her intention to run for the position of Queen of the RIA, a promotion from her previous position of HotDoG (Head of the Department of Girls). She easily won with 72.7% and thus has become the first Queen of the RIA. One other election we had was for the position of Shadow of the RIA. After a close race between Shadow, Leo, and Shadow Slayer, Leo came out ahead with 53.8% of the vote. Thus Leo becomes the official Shadow of the RIA. Government for December 2014 & January 2015 Triumvirate XII Shadow im317 Ogaden Cabinet XCVI Head of Economics: cctmsp13 or Mogar Head of Foreign Affairs: RIA FA Bot represented by Brian Head of Internal Affairs: Croix Head of Military Operations: biofantic Head of Recruitment: dester55 Government Advisors 46th Captain Planet: Baldr Cactus Emeritus Agent Lemon Delta1212 Hyperonic Moth Shadow Slayer Thunder Strike Floridian Tribal Elder Apophis775 Jenne God Emperor Shadow Queen aithne Prince of Darkness Jenne Viceroy cctmsp13 Leo Hyperonic Shadow Leo tl;dr You get a title! You get a title! Everybody gets a title!
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The Admiral was sitting in his cabin aboard the USS Santiago, named after the capital of the nation, waiting for word on the mission. The Master Chief Petty Officer came in to the room, knocking to let the Admiral know he was there. “Sir, we've captured them.” “Excellent news Master Chief.” The technicians were setting up the broadcast and the podium. The podium stood in front of the flags of the services, Army Intelligence, Naval Intelligence, Marine Intelligence and Air Force Intelligence. The flag of MI6 was draped in the center, in between the service flags. On the podium was a new symbol of blue and red, replacing the old, lifeless symbol of blue and white. The Admiral walked up to the podium and the camera turned on. The broadcast would be sent to all the members of MI6 as well as the world. He cleared his throat and began to speak. “Comrades in MI6 and people around the world, The reign of Chimaera and Stagger Lee has come to an end. We have captured the rogue leaders who sought to extend their rule through emergency powers. Their power-hungry ways, their thirst for power, are not what we are about. We sought to change the world, not feed the egos of megalomaniacs. This is why, my comrades, we had to take over. From this point forward, I, Admiral Voodoo Nova, will lead MI6 as M. I am not alone in this venture. My fellow leaders, who wholeheartedly supported this coup against Chimaera and Stagger Lee, will work with me as we bring MI6 into a new era. Admiral James Maximus will serve as M alongside me. Rear Admiral Killjoy will lead our foreign affairs as 001. Rear Admiral Gibsonator will lead our military as 002. Rear Admiral Kahlan Rahl will lead our internal affairs ministry as 003. Rear Admiral MvBomber will lead our economic ministry as 004. As we move forward, we will enter a new era of prosperity. As Admiral, and as M, I will work tirelessly for this alliance and for my fellow allies. We will stop at nothing to succeed. Long Live MI6.” The broadcast would cut a few seconds after the speech ended, displaying the flag of MI6 in its place. tl;dr: [spoiler] New Government featuring Voodoo as M James as M Kill as 001 Gibsonator as 002 Kahlan Rahl as 003 MvBomber as 004 [/spoiler]
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The GPA Proud Presents: An Inquisitive Dove GPA Government September - November 2014 --- Inspector Jacques Clouseau 'benfinan' - President Special Agent Fox Mulder 'probablamenteno' - Vice President Inspector Morse 'Willems' - Minister of Internal Affairs Inspector Gadget 'Arrnea' - Minister of Defense Sherlock Holmes 'Imperator' - Minister of Foreign Affairs Hercule Poirot 'Lyrositor' - Minister of Economics Ace Ventura 'Printer' - Minister of Membership Compliance Inspector Foyle 'Nuwen' - Director of the Academy Inspector Jack Frost 'bladegolm47' - Director of Communications Inspector Javert 'Lunan' - Director of Human Resources
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It turns out that an eerie type of chaos can lurk just behind a facade of order - and yet, deep inside the chaos lurks an even eerier type of order. Greetings friends, heretics, and non-believers, The Holy Alliance of the Cactuar, more commonly referred to as the Holy Realm of the Llama or even the Random Insanity Alliance, recently completed another fun election cycle. We call them elections but they tend to consist of drawing names out of a hat or some other such silliness. Somehow the insane party once again overcame the random party and decided to re-elect Shadow, By the Grace of Cactuar, His Glorious Excellency The Most Holy, Blessed, and Venerable Eternal Triumvir of Random Insanity and the Dominions and Territories thereunto belonging, Captain Planet Emeritus, Supreme Pontiff of the Holy Realms of the Cactuar, Defender of the Faith, Guardian of the Funk, Grand Master of the Most Noble Sovereign Military Order of Cactimus Prime, Central Commander of the Nintuar Clan, Leader and Guide of the Rivolucion, The Ultimate Lifeform, Mystic Dragon Emperor of the Cheeselands, Archduke of Disorder, Overlord of Lunacy, Puppetmaster of Chaos, etc. This re-elections marks Shadow's 13th term as Triumvir, first taking office back in August 2008, a fact which scares him sometimes... Triumvir: Shadow His re-election maintains the current Triumvirate XI of Shadow, im317, and Hyperonic. We also had the election for the 62nd Cabinet of the RIA: First, for our Head of Economics, the fine people of the RIA have decided to choose the Iron Bank of Braavos. We look forward to their work and they have appointed Ogaden as their representative. Ogaden got the position after running with the promise of "I will continue to annoy and message you should you choose to re-elect me as your HoE, in my eternal and unyielding quest to stuff as much tech into every available orifice I can get my hands into, and some that I can't." This message seems to have been strangely well received by the membership of the RIA. Head of Economics: Iron Bank of Braavos, represented by Ogaden For Head of Foreign Affairs the members of the RIA decided to stick with Biff Webster for another term. Despite once being in service to a heretical cult, he has once again accepted His Holiness Cactuar into heart and has now serves as one of his vanguards. We wish him luck in working with our friends and the approachment and conversion of heretics. Head of Foreign Affairs: Biff Webster For Head of Internal Affairs, we see Croix was once again re-elected and thus will be maintaining his iron grip over the alliance while holding power as the sole remaining representative of the CDS faction in RIA government Head of Internal Affairs: Croix For Head of Military Operations, we see biofantic's return to the position after quickly re-asserting himself after his recent return from the purgatory of inactivity mode as he replaces GrilledSlug who has since shifted to Head of Recruitment replacing hackherhog. The true winner was (the real, not imposter) Tywin Lannister who chose biofantic as his representative due to his busyness managing another realm. Head of Military Operations: Tywin Lannister, represented by biofantic Head of Recruitment: GrilledSlug For Captain Planet, in a surprise upset against Meatkin Pie, we see ReyTheGreat somehow take the position, becoming the 43rd Captain Planet replacing Leo. Captain Planet: ReyTheGreat In other news, here is a lovely stat update for our fair alliance. Some milestones we've hit in the last few months include reaching 50,000k avg NS, passing 13.61 score, passing 3,450,123 NS, and passing 301,000 tech. We also maintain a lovely cruise missiles collection of 339, all created as offers to the great Cactimus Prime. tl;dr; [spoiler] Surprise Cactuar Pirate Attack! [/spoiler]
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Our most recent year brought a few wars, some new allies, other allies moving onto new things, and a bevy of impressive results on our mercy boards. Marx, jerkdotwad, and DoNotFearJazz, our former Secretariat, Strategos, and member of the GOONS Council, respectively; into retirement in the case of Marx and jerk and into Umbrella in the case of DoNotFearJazz. Bear Retrieval Unit has been selected, and has already been serving, as our new Strategos. Aesculus has been appointed Pecuniator and has been producing impressive results with our Aid Slot Nationalization program. ComradeMilton was selected to replace Marx as Secretariat and the spot on the GOONS Council formerly occupied by DoNotFearJazz has not yet been filled. We are pleased to be approaching our first full year of being an alliance entirely free of ReyTheGreat. Our Mercy Board has produced some truly impressive feats this past year, including: Dionysus eating dogfood to get back into GOONS after an ill-fated excursion aimed at forming his own alliance. Aidan Groover followed this up by not only completing some vanilla Mercy Board terms, also went above and beyond and ate catfood for some reason. From our new Pecuniator, Aesculus, of what he wished to offer on GOONS' birthday: New Strategos, Bear Retrieval Unit, adds: Co-Pilot KenMorningstar, when asked for a comment said: Finally, we leave you with a pearl of wisdom offered by Councilmember r00tn00b: -
Greetings fellow disciples of the Holy Cactuar, neutrals, and heretics. Today I bring you tidings of the latest government in the Random Insanity Alliance, the only alliance that offers equal citizenship to all llamas! As you can see above our government has indeed changed as of last night. The most glaring change is the addition is Hyperonic as part of the Triumvirate and Ogaden as Head of Economics. Ogaden decided to step back and take a temporary leave from his role as Triumvir to once again become our Head of Economics due to feeling he lacked the time to fully execute his duties. We are happy he has chosen to remain in government instead of completely taking a break. I would like to thank Ogaden for his service as Triumvir for which he first started in October 2012. May he continue to improve and automate our economy via the awesomeness that is RI5. Taking his place as a part of the newly formed Triumvirate XI is Hyperonic. Hyperonic a.k.a. Kenny a.k.a Jeff Goldblum has been a member of the RIA since near our very beginnings and has served as our webmaster for a majority of that time as well. Thus since he has been able to see all our government discussions anyways we figured he makes a good fit. He fought in a bitter and heated election against Arsenal 10 and came out on top by a single vote. May Cactuar help us all. We would also like to welcome Biff Webster back into government as our Head of Foreign Affairs. He comes into the seat after a two month vacancy where we just wandered aimlessly without any foreign affairs. May Biff help guide us through and into many sexy affairs. Remaining in the Cabinet for another term is Croix as Head of Internal Affairs and hackerhog as Head of Recruitment. We hope they continue to perform and serve with excellency. The final cabinet position of Head of Military Operations has been taken over by Vacant after his last stint as Head of Foreign Affairs. He will remain in charge for a short time until we finish choosing a replacement. The replacement will likely be chosen through a duel to the death between some names we draw from a hat. At least that seems like the fairest method. ...and last but not least we would like to welcome Leo back as the 42nd Captain Planet. May he continue to bring pollution down to zero in the RIA. [hr] [hr] Llama Update [hr] At this moment, I would like to recognize the RIA forums, an intergral part of the RIA family! The current RIA forums have been around since April 2007 and have continued to serve the RIA well as a home that many of us love. over the years they have accrued over 350,000 posts, over 28000 topics and over 5.6 million total page views as seen below. Next we can see the most posted in and most viewed topics in the RIA. These let you get a glimpse into the mind of the RIA and what we all truly care about. ...and last but not least you can see that in a surprise upset, the members-only RIA HQ has recently passed the public social board RI as the most posted in board. Will RI catch back up? Only time will tell. [hr] Now we would like to recognize the following alliances for maintaining awesome embassies on our boards: 1. The Independent Republic of Orange Nations! At 3441 posts in 82 topics we have discussed much serious business together! 2. The New Polar Order! At 1549 posts in 76 topics we have discussed how to cause much global instability together! 3. The New Pacific Order! At 1507 posts in 60 topics they are right on the heels of their former Polar brothers. We have discussed many plans for global domination together over the years! 4. The Coalition of Royal Allied Powers! At 1396 Posts in 64 Topics we have done much plotting together! 5. The Nuclear Proliferation League! At 1228 posts in 19 topics we have done much nuclear development together! and apparently like to keep it all in the same topics instead of making new ones like the others! Honorable Mention. The New Sith Order! At 666 posts in 19 topics they are living up to their claim to the dark side! [hr] Continuing with these silly recognitions, I would like to thank the following alliances who have assisted with our growth over the past government term (February-March) 1. Random Insanity Alliance! In the past two months, our number one foreign aid partner has been other RIAers. RIAers have sent approximately $1,446,000,100.00 and 17,100 tech between each other. May we continue to help each other grow and survive! 2. R&R! Coming in second place is our sexy friends in R&R. In the past two months RIA and R&R have traded approximately $264,000,000.00 and 6,900 tech. May we both continue to grow and prosper together! 3. Nuclear Proliferation League & Coalition of Royal Allied Powers Tieing for third place is our radioactive friends in NPL and our crappy friends in the Coalition of Royal Allied Powers. In the past two months RIA and NPL have traded approximately $84,000,000.00 and 1,500 tech while RIA and CRAP have traded approximately $72,000,000.00 and 2,399 tech! <3 you guys. This list is nearly identical to the last one so thanks to our lovely friends above for consistently choosing RIA for your tech trading and aiding needs. :) [hr] Our Door is Always Open The Random Insanity Alliance welcomes any and all who wishes to join her ranks. Our only requirement is you accept Cactuar as your lord and savior. Cactuar forgives all past sins and all you must do is devote yourself to him. Stop by http://rialliance.net if your interested. ]We also welcome any and all foreign dignitaries to stop by at http://rialliance.net to discuss the importance of waffles and how to best cause global instability. Thank you and good night.
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After beginning existence a year and a half ago as a one-man micro, the Screaming Red Asses are proud to announce that we have reached what for us is the lofty heights of 600,000 NS, 17 members, and a spot in the Top 100 alliances in the Amazing Sanction Race. While growth is nice, it hopefully is a simple by-product of doing things right. To that end, it is time to get to the real point of this post: the introduction of our current government line-up. Ladies and gentlemen of Planet Bob, the following is the current A-team of the Screaming Red Asses:
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The GPA Government for Spring/March-May 2014 I hope you shall join me in merry happiness for our new government! For true comedy is comedy that is neutral! President - Belisarius - The Head Knight, who til recently said Ni VP - dy Cazaril - The Black Knight MoD - Arrnea - Otto leader of the Judean People's Front MoFA - Jaeren - Tim the Enchanter MoIA - Kurdanak - Sir Bedevere MoMC - CzarOptima - the Minister of Silly Walks MoE - jerdge - Brian Cohen DoC - Willems - the head Spanish Inquisitor DoHR - ATREYU6 - Blood and Thunder prophet DotA - RogueFalcon - the schoolmaster DoT - Rafay - the businessman That is all folks, so congratulations to all my fellow government members, new and old. So move along now, the rumours of this being part of a British take over of the GPA is but lies. (Oh I wish.... :ph34r:)
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Greetings fellow disciples of the Holy Cactuar, neutrals, and heretics. I come before you all today with a most glorious announcement. The Random Insanity Alliance is proud to announce that we have once again hit three million, five thousand, four hundred, and twenty nation strength and Twelve point five score. We have reached this precious milestone numerous times over our many years in this strange world we all inhabit but this one feels just as precious as all the past times. So we shall once again be merry and relish in its majesty. Our history over the past several years has been one of hardships but we have persevered. The following graph from RI5 shows our growth since early 2011. We have risen and we have fallen but we shall never give up. We shall continue to rise. Even if we are knocked down again we shall forever seek the sky. We may never reach our former glory but we shall live on. Upward and onward! Here is our lovely NS donut. [hr] At this moment we would like to recognize the following alliances who have assisted with our growth over the past year: 1. Random Insanity Alliance! In the past year, our number one foreign aid partner has been other RIAers. RIAers have sent approximately $6,516,000,577 and 89,435 tech between each other. We are glad that RIAers have sought to continually help each other grow and survive! 2. R&R! Coming in second place is our amperstandy friends in R&R. In the past year RIA and R&R have traded approximately $2,556,000,000 and 41,300 tech. May we both continue to grow and prosper together! 3. Nuclear Proliferation League! Coming in third place is our radioactive friends in NPL. In the past year RIA and NPL have traded approximately $1,851,000,100 and 20,600 tech. May we both continue our efforts of nuclear proliferation together! Honorable Mentions: - RIA Trade Partner - Our lovely maroon buddies, RIA Trade Partner is an open AA for those who wish to trade or hang out in peace without the hassles or responsibilities of an alliance. We have traded approximately $606,000,000 and 10,350 tech and they have traded $204,000,000 and 4,615 between each other. We hope our maroon buddies continue to prosper under our protection. - Coalition of Royal Allied Powers - Our maroon brothers, RIA and CRAP have traded approximately $520,000,000 and 9,150 tech in the last year. - Commonwealth of Sovereign Nations (RIP): Before their disbandment, our former maroon friends had sent us approximately $823,800,000 in free rebuilding aid following the Equilibrium War. Those above and those unmentioned all add towards the RIA trading approximately $14,457,880,746 and 188,465 tech in the past year! May our economy grow even more in the coming year! [hr] Also, we never really announced our government this month so here it is in case anyone was dreadfully missing the ecstasy secreted from the Holy Cactuar during our announcements. [hr] Llama Update [hr] Our Door is Always Open The Random Insanity Alliance welcomes any and all who wishes to join her ranks. Our only requirement is you accept Cactuar as your lord and savior. Cactuar forgives all past sins and all you must do is devote yourself to him. Stop by http://rialliance.net if your interested. We also welcome any and all foreign dignitaries to stop by at http://rialliance.net to discuss the importance of waffles and how to best cause global instability. Thank you and good night. -
I hope you will all join me in congratulating our new government members, new and old to government. I feel confident in each of their abilities and look forward to the next three months! Allons-y!
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Hello all, this is Shadow reporting live from the Maroon House, here at RIA headquarters. In a shocking turn of events, the Government of the Random Insanity Alliance has shut down tonight after a drawn out battle in the Cabinet. The Chillaxin Party, led by Hyperonic "Kenny" The Taste, and the RI5 Party, led by Ogaden "Skynet" Dahl, could not come to agreement over the correct type of waffles to serve at the inauguration of the new government. The Chillaxin Party, citing the recently passed Affordable Waffle Act of 2013, argued that blueberry waffles should be made available to all the citizens. The RI5 Party, however, rebuked this statement by saying that Chocolate Chip Waffles would be a much better choice. Due to the shutdown, all essential personnel have been put on unpaid leave and will not receive their back payments of cupcakes until the shutdown ends. All unessential personnel, however, were ordered to continue working to maintain order in the alliance. It is feared that the Random Insanity Alliance's Strategic Sea Kitten Reserve will start to run low after a couple of days due to the increased demand during the Holy Festival of the Funk being held this week. RIAers on both sides of the aisle quickly began to blame the other party for the shutdown. Others, however, seem unconcerned and when asked of their thoughts they simply replied "Not like they do anything anyways." This statement prompted many cheers and nodding of the heads. Prior to the shutdown, the following individuals were set to be announced winner at the inauguration: In a shocking election for Triumvir, none of the candidates - Captain James Tiberius Kirk, Captain Jean-Luc Picard nor Ogaden - won the vote with voters instead selecting "anarchy" as the top contender for the Triumvir seat. In all the confusion that followed the election, it appears Ogaden killed the vote counter and declared himself winner. Triumvir: Ogaden For our recruitment, we saw voters choose Colombian Kidnappers as the victor, winning over Biff and Kelis' Milkshake. The Colombian Kidnappers decided to make Biff their desciple and teach him all about the proper ways to 'recruit'. We welcome the former Cultist and hope he can use his experience to kidnap and indoctrinate a few members. Head of Recruitment: Biff Webster In another strange election, we see biofantic remaining Head of Economics after beating out Princess Celly and coming into a tie with RI5. RI5 mysteriously let biofantic take up the post though it appears it may have implanted some sort of chip in his head. We assume it is now controlling his thoughts. Head of Economics: biofantic For the Head of the Military, we saw llamavore come ahead of George S Patton and a giant robot in a surprise election victory. His first act was to rename the position Head of Mothing Operations. Head of Militaryothing Operations: llamavore For Head of Internal Affairs, RI5 won once again prompting calls of vote rigging due to it being in two elections at the same time. Dissent was quickly dealt with by supplying more tech deals driving up RI5's approval rating once again. RI5 appears to have appointed Croix - the second place contender - to the position to follow its orders. Head of Internal Affairs: Croix In a extremely close match, Jenne came out ahead of Leo by a single vote. He did however, tie with the Hypnotoad so we are unable to confirm if he will be acting of his own will throughout the term. Head of Foreign Affairs: Jenne One of the most noticeable casualties of the shutdown was the firing of Captain Planet, leaving the RIA without a Captain Planet. Many have called for Meatkin Pie - the RIA's most popular former Captain Planet - to return to the position in the interim. The full government that is 'working' to end the shutdown will be: Triumvirate: Shadow, im317, Ogaden Head of Recruitment: Biff Webster Head of Economics: biofantic Head of Militaryothing Operations: llamavore Head of Internal Affairs: Croix Head of Foreign Affairs: Jenne An unnamed government member, when asked about the shutdown had this to say: "Sounds like a good time for a vacation. Whats the worse that could happen? We let everyone pretty much do what they want anyway". The approval rating for Unnamed Government Member shot up above 80% after this statement. Some see him as the next major contender for Captain Planet and key to stopping the shutdown. Thank you all for tuning into the Cactuar Evening News. We hope to give you updates on the shutdown over the coming days, please continue to tune in. tl;dr Moth
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R&R Government Update As was to be expected, R&R's most recent attempt at democracy was worse than Hayden Christiansen's acting in the second and third Star Wars movies - meaning it was a really pathetic attempt. Dear Disney please redeem the franchise. That being said, we do have a few government changes to announce: While our fearless leader EgoFreaky will remain President for another term, R&R will bid farewell to our longtime Vice President Bambi (AmbroseIV), and thank him for numerous terms of service to R&R and its interests, and the countless hours of work he did so that no one else had to. We're also welcoming our new Vice President, Garion. Garion has served for many many months in our State Department government, and has likely disappointed all of you in some form or fashion throughout his illustrious career. If I ever disappoint you in the same way, just understand that he taught me everything I know. All that being said: here is our current government lineup: President: EgoFreaky Vice President: Garion Chief Justice: Alex987 Minister of Defense: GreyOps Deputy Minister of Defense: Lord Frostsword Minister of Foreign Affairs: WarriorSoul Deputy Minister of Foreign Affairs: FinnishCommie Minister of the Interior: SeanB Deputy Minister of the Interior: SaberEasy6 Minister of Economics: jraison Deputy Minister of Economics: Garrett93 Deputy Minister of Economics: ckmanero Twice a year, R&R nominates a select group of individuals to join The Order of the Ampersand. This Order was created to recognize outstanding efforts on the part of foreign diplomats and guests who have been instrumental in building and growing relationships. The nominees are as follows: Order of the Ampersand: Third Class Panda Love (Panda), of Megaframe, for being a longtime friend, and a constant, friendly face to our membership. duelking,of Neo Ancient Greece, for being a constant point of reference between R&R and IRON, and a key person in the rekindling of old friendships. Overlord Shinnra, of Empalstine, for being an open, honest representative from the Orange Defense Network, and a friendly face within ODN despite always seeming to find ourselves at odds. Azreal, of Tyrannselvania, for displaying actions of friendship towards R&R that go beyond anything we could have asked of him. President JR Seisa (tommyknocker), of Themysciera, for being a close friend to R&R, our graphics maker-in-chief, and one of the most important figures in the early days of our relationship with NATO.
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The Last Remnants Announcement Our leadership has recently lost a few good men - Wyrmon and Mandellav who were both elected Triumvirs for the alliance were lost to the dreaded (real) life outside the offices of the Wastelanders. We thank them for their service and wish them the best of everything in their future endeavors. That said, a double triumvir election happened and TLR now has two new leaders in the Triumvirate of power. I will list them momentarily but before that I have an important news that will rock the planet, no doubt. The Last Remnants high government has decided to dissolve the Ministry of Geriatric Affairs and assign Minister Rush as our new(old) Minister of Foreign Affairs. That's right, Rush Sykes is back! Rejoice! Anyway, the Triumvirate of TLR now looks like this: Kestral Elorian CamoPooh We invite you to join us on our forums at http://thelastremnants.com/ for the slightly belated celebrations and to just to get to know us more. I will also remind you that if your embassy at those wonderful forums is empty and/or inactive for a while(we're very lenient, a whole 6 months of inactivity must have happened before we react to it), it will be deleted and whatever pearls of wisdom and diplomatic masterclass it holds within, lost forever. The purge of such embassies will happen at the end of this month, July 2013. Until the next relevant announcement, I bid you adieu. Elorian Wastelander
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I know its like half way through the month now but we totally had elections a few weeks ago and the following is the government of the Random Insanity Alliance for June and July. Italics = Incumbent who was re-elected. Bold = new to the position this term. Triumvirate X of the Random Insanity Alliance Every 2 months a new Triumvir seat is up for election. Triumvirate X remains Triumvirate X as Shadow was re-elected Triumvir for the billionth time. Totally unexpected result. All his opponents suffered mysterious accidents right before the elections. im317 - Ogaden - Shadow Cabinet LVI of the Random Insanity Alliance Every 2 months there are elections for all Cabinet positions. Cabinet LVI welcomes Leo back to gov for the first time since November 2006. Quite the long retirement he has had, we welcome his return as our new Head of Foreign Affairs, replacing Princess Celly who has now switched to Head of Recruitment after winning a recruitment contest against Croix for the position. biofantic replaces Reoga as Head of Economics after a short 2-month retirement from gov where he was formerly Head of Military Operations. Jenne returns to being Head of Military Operations after trying his hands at a few other positions after his year long stint as HoMO last year. Apophis is re-elected as HoIA being the only Cabinet member retaining the same position this term. Arsenal 10 becomes Captain Planet once again and pledges to clean up the pollution around the RIA. Head of Economics: biofantic Head of Foreign Affairs: Leo Head of Internal Affairs: Apophis775 Head of Military Operations: Jenne Head of Recruitment: Princess Celly 38th Captain Planet: Arsenal 10 Elder Council of the Random Insanity Alliance Silly people who advise RIA Government. Almost have more advisors then government members now. Silly us. Agent Lemon, Cactus Emeritus cctmsp13, Viceroy Croix, Floridian Tribal Elder Delta1212, Cactus Emeritus Moth, Cactus Emeritus Shadow Slayer, Cactus Emeritus Thunder Strike, Cactus Emeritus Awesome Government Timeline So very shiny and colorful. tl;dr ^
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Political Parties are Stupid and Counterproductive
Malik Shabazz posted a blog entry in Brother Malcolm Speaks
With that out of the way, I would like to get into my discussion. We Americans like to think that we have this perfect utopia-like democracy, where people get a free vote. I think that this is funny, because there is no free vote. Look at the last Presidential election, out of the six people that ran; only two were allowed to debate. Yea, so much for "free and fair" elections. Our government likes to talk about "upholding democracy" around the world, when our republic is so flawed. Our republic has a lot of flaws, but to be specific one of the biggest flaws it has are the self-serving political parties. Americans, take a look at our country: Our economy is in the toilet and we have a do-nothing government. Why? Because of political parties. It has been argued that political parties are the foundation of any democracy. I think that this is a load of crap, because they only encourage division. Why do you think that every bill that has been proposed to fix our economy has gone nowhere? One of the two political parties always shuts the plan down, that's why. Then, the sheep who don't know any better argue about who's party is better and which party is responsible for what. Whenever I hear or see Americans argue about things like this, I . The reality is that neither the Democrats nor the Republicans care about you or you interests, but only their own. Proof of this: When a plan is proposed that will fix the economy, depending on who's proposing it, one of the two parties will instantly vote against it. In contrast, when it's time to go to war or bail out some greedy corporation; they'll agree in an instant. Brothers and sisters, the reality is, political parties are not democratic. You can sit here and say that our founding fathers envisioned a republic and not a democracy, and as such it really does not matter whether or not they are democratic. As you can see in the quotes above, our founding fathers warned us against political parties and how they will divide the United States. Now they have. We have no one to blame but ourselves, because these are the people we vote into office. I'm not saying we should ban political parties, because that would also be undemocratic. I'm saying that we should grow balls and call these politicians out, even if they are in the same political party as you. Let's stop pointing fingers: "Those damn liberals, conservatives are retarded", and come to the realization that they're all just two separate turds in the same toilet. This is From the Mind of Loki, Thank You and God Bless, -Loki Laufeyson -
Breaking news today, as all former members of the D.S.U. have stepped down due to outside force. At the time being, two candidates still run for office, with Zuri Okiji of the Ugandan Socialist Party being in a slight lead. There is no government right now, so the Ugandan Military will send word to Athens and Tianxia for a temporary government to be installed by them until 8 when the elections will close. During this time all people are encouraged to vote for their perferred candidate. In other news The D.S.U. sends regards to the Republic of Africa for the deah of their dear queen. -
Today marks a special day at Los Pollos Hermanos. We have finished up touches on our newly acquired charter, and along with that we have illegally staged our new government. You'll be happy to know our government is full of fully functioning meth heads along with some newer folk that may not have had opportunity to be in government in the past. Without further rambling, I present the new charter for Los Pollos Hermanos and it's first governent. Official Charter of Los Pollos Hermanos Signed Gus, Ernesto Che Guevara The Worthless Tool, Minister of Silly Walks The Foreign Affairs Ayatollah, Kongo Jack The Defense Dealer, Parandiac The Interior Designer, SnowWolf Forums: http://w11.zetaboards.com/Los_Pollos_Hermanos/index/ IRC: #Breakfast on Coldfront
