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Barron von Hammer's Blog


The starchy emeralds.

Posted by Barron von Hammer , 30 January 2013 - * * * * * · 325 views

Well, my daughter’s class had a field trip to a farm the other day. Riveting. The parents were invited and the whole lot of us boarded tractor-pulled wagons that meandered down a dirty uneven road to a sparse field. I could not help but feel some solidarity with grainy film showing the artificial smiles on Ukrainian peasants forced to till the field...


Man of iron.

Posted by Barron von Hammer , 25 January 2013 - - - - - - · 249 views

There comes a time in every man’s life when you are required to bravely stand and man the hell up. A time when you need to stand resolutely and stare into the yawning abyss of fear itself and silently proclaim “is that all you got?” And after asking this question, when darkness descends and the urge to surrender to spasmodic, urine-induc...


My confession.

Posted by Barron von Hammer , 25 September 2012 - - - - - - · 316 views

I have found it necessary to purge myself of the internal turmoil caused by not confessing some of the dark deeds in my life.

Confession number #1:

Many years ago I had a neighbor who was an ok guy at times but had turned into quite the dick the last couple of months we lived next to each other. I had my house up for sale when he came over with a puppy...


The wager.

Posted by Barron von Hammer , 17 April 2012 - - - - - - · 180 views

Cryptozoology is a guilty pleasure of mine. Grainy images, videos of anomalous objects, "In Search Of" episodes and an early adolescent inability to distinguish one of my great aunts from an enlarged bi-pedal hominid (leading to multiple sightings), has finally culminated in a great revelation. One of the great mysteries in my life is about to...


The insanity within.

Posted by Barron von Hammer , 21 January 2012 - - - - - - · 211 views

Anya and I, with our two children, live outside a large city in the Southeastern U.S. Like many, we moved from the midtown area when crime was rising and moved to a small town outside the city, about 30 minutes away. This small town is at the crossroads between a large city and a rural countryside that extends for hundreds of miles. Unfortunately we have to...


Unwavering steadfastness...

Posted by Barron von Hammer , 23 December 2010 - * * * * * · 231 views

I have recently had interesting conversations with my peers who have considered going back to college after a long hiatus (we are in our forties), either to finish what they started or to advance to graduate school. It was at this point that I remembered my first experience in going back to finish my degree (and later to grad school).

I would like to point...


Bending time...

Posted by Barron von Hammer , 10 July 2010 - - - - - - · 104 views

My neighbor moved away the other day. I was saddened by this, but not for reasons one might associate with such a departure.

My neighbor is but a simple man, an ex-marine whose outlook on life is shrouded within the tight confines of Lynryd Sknyrd songs, soft-porn skin flicks and a prodigious quantity of beer consumed by him and his comrades as they stand...


Life with Anya II

Posted by Barron von Hammer , 27 June 2010 - - - - - - · 87 views

My wife and I woke up Saturday morning determined to make the most of a beautiful day. As we were leaving the house she thrust her hands forward.

"Take these," she says handing me some tampons. You know, "just in case."
"Why can't you carry them?"
"Well I don't have any pockets."

Of course we went to the...


Sharing the same brain...

Posted by Barron von Hammer , 07 May 2010 - - - - - - · 284 views

We were getting up to leave, my comrades and I, from one of the few restaurants that stayed open at a diabolical hour late that Friday evening, when I heard my name being called with great enthusiasm.

Looking up, I noticed several individuals making their way with great excitement to where I was seated. It was then that I recognized two of them, the...


When worlds collide.

Posted by Barron von Hammer , 04 May 2010 - * * * * * · 90 views

I have the unfortunate predicament of having to take a shower after my wife Anya has vacated the bathroom. You see, she leaves an hour before I do so when I enter the bathroom to do my morning constitution I am entering HER bathroom, the way she likes it. I am entirely too groggy to even represent a sentient being as I stumble into the shower, completely...

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